Trust

I can remember a few times that started me on the road toward losing all trust in myself. I remember one specific time that I was driving on my way to the beach and going down a straight part in the winding road and thinking "I should just keep driving straight off the road." Another time I thought to myself "I should just drive straight into that parked car (when coming upon a red light)," and another time where I thought that I should just jump off a ledge. Ok but I should have prefaced; these were not attempts at suicide but explorations into choice. I realized that I had full control of myself in making decisions like these and I felt a desire to exercise agency in areas that most do not. I realized at an early age that anything is possible within the sphere that I am acting. Ok, not anything, but a lot more than how we act within what we term to be "acceptable behavior." Even within the "acceptable behavior," there are infinite choices and possibilities. There are so many things we can do, but don't realize it. So many things. So many random things. I think we usually dismiss them and just dumb or not appropriate. And then what really even is "appropriate?" I can make choices regardless of whether they are termed "appropriate." Can't I decide how to act and change that decision? Aren't I free to do ridiculously stupid things? I mean, I have morals for sure, but aren't I free to disregard all morals I have and choose to drive down to Watts and yell something stupid and see what happens? I guess I feel like I can imagine what would happen, but experiencing it would be something entirely different. Our ability to run a scenario through our head and base our decisions on that is amazing, it's maybe the only thing that makes our human brains unique, but that doesn't mean we have to obey it. I mean, what is it that really keeps me from making absolutely stupid decisions? There have been times, standing on the edge of a high cliff with friends or family or whatever, where I have thought to myself "only a few inches more, that's all it takes," or "just a little slip up in my balance and I'm a goner." And then I would start to dwell on the thought and would really start to get scared because the more I thought about it, the more it became plausible.
I guess that's what really scares me, is how much I think about things. I don't know when to stop most of the time and the only thing that separates us from being murderers is our thoughts; what we choose to dwell on. It's one thought, then another, then another, then another and next thing we know, we are doing drugs and sleeping on the streets. Maybe I'm not being clear but I guess I have decided that everything we do is somehow based on thoughts and our only real control in life is what we think about. Then I started to wonder even how much control we have over what we think about.
Oh man, it all makes sense now. I just have always been obsessed about thinking deeply into things. Just let it go, just let it go, just let it go. What a huge, giant circle I have gone in. It's late. It's 1 am and I am at the library on campus because I was studying earlier and as I was walking out to my car I had some insights so I had to stop by the library again on my way out and get it down.
Ok, I'm cool.

Deep inside

I've wondered for so long why it feels like all the work I am doing isn't manifesting into results. I realize that I have been focusing for so long on the external individual known as Bret, but who really is that guy deep inside? I haven't wanted to know for a long time. I have always felt a little rotten inside. Well we all have right? I guess I have felt that way so much that I have done all I can to not listen to it. I figure I can't trust that individual and that I have to do all these things on the external part of me to try and fix that person inside. Just a few hours ago I realized that all the things I try to figure out have to do with the surface manifestations of something deeper going on inside. Well no, I realized that a long time ago, just not the way I did earlier today. The reason change is so slow is because we need to work on that level. The external things we do are shots in the dark at changing and improving our internal feelings, thoughts, memories and desires. If we really want change we will focus on those deep, deep things and the external will readily follow. But how easy is it to change our internal being? It's tough because we often don't even know what is going on in there. We find so many ways to ignore it and get distracted from it that we have no idea what we are even running from all the time. But most of us seem to be running. I know I have been and if people have no idea that I have been then there are a lot of other people probably doing the same thing. I guess I know this because when I do talk to people about my problems, it's not usually about what someone has done that bothers me but more about why I am disappointed in myself and feel like I can't be who I want to be.
I have been using meditation to try and fix my external individual. When I say external I guess I am referring to anything people see or hear from me. I've been trying to "fix" myself so that I can feel worthy of having friends and being loved. I run away from people before they can love me and I tend to ignore those who may already do so. I have let so many friends slip away. Sure, people and things change but I have intentionally done so. I get to a certain point with people and either let them in or run away. And if I let them in and our relationship or something else (like moving away or they get a significant other or become busy or too much time goes by and we haven't talked), then I avoid. I watch these things happen time and time again and wonder what the heck is going on.
I don't trust my deep self to be good enough or become good enough so I keep that person away from everyone and play this external game until I am worn to the bone. You can't go too long working purely from your conscious. It's miserable. I wouldn't let my subconscious take over because I have told myself for so long that it is not to be trusted. There are so many reasons I don't trust my subconscious but now I recognize that there aren't many other ways to live life and any other option is no better than the previous. I can't keep living consciously thinking every thought and performing every action. Some things just gotta happen. I think because I am a natural pessimist that I have seen so many bad things that come from when people just go through everything however their subconscious takes them and rarely consciously making decisions. I am afraid of meritocracy and I am afraid of being something great. I have wondered for so long why I am any inkling of something good. Where do these good things about me come from? I can't exactly say I chose to be naturally a certain way or to be prone to making good decisions over bad ones. This idea scares me. Where do these good things come from? I didn't ask for them, did I? Maybe I did. I do believe in God and that we lived before this life but what does that really even mean. I don't want to think about it right now.
There are so many warnings out there. If you do this, you may get divorced. If you don't do this you may regret not having spent more time with your kids. And what really makes a criminal? A series of unfortunate circumstances?
Ok, I'm stopping. There comes a point where you have asked enough questions and rambled enough and I recognize that I have gotten to that point so it is time to stop. I will leave with a song:

My favorite song in my library right now.
Flume - Insane

Sucks

Things feel pretty sucky right now. I don't get pleasure from anything and I feel so empty inside most of the time. I think the pleasure thing is my fault...I decided that I didn't want other things to determine how I feel so I taught myself to think being happy because of external things is "bad" and now I am not happy because of anything most of the time. I just didn't want to let the things around me that I can't control determine how my life would be. I wanted to feel like I could be happy even though I don't ever know what is going to happen. None of us do. We are so fragile; we're always teetering on the edge of something. I didn't want money or things or other people to tell me how to feel so I just shut it all out and now I suffer every day because of that. I don't know what I want anymore. I want everything. I want to have nothing and still be happy. I want to be unhappy and still be happy. I guess I just want to be happy but what does that even mean? I've been trying to figure that out for so long and here I am; feeling like I've got so far to go before I can do what? I don't know. I'm done for now.