Deep inside

I've wondered for so long why it feels like all the work I am doing isn't manifesting into results. I realize that I have been focusing for so long on the external individual known as Bret, but who really is that guy deep inside? I haven't wanted to know for a long time. I have always felt a little rotten inside. Well we all have right? I guess I have felt that way so much that I have done all I can to not listen to it. I figure I can't trust that individual and that I have to do all these things on the external part of me to try and fix that person inside. Just a few hours ago I realized that all the things I try to figure out have to do with the surface manifestations of something deeper going on inside. Well no, I realized that a long time ago, just not the way I did earlier today. The reason change is so slow is because we need to work on that level. The external things we do are shots in the dark at changing and improving our internal feelings, thoughts, memories and desires. If we really want change we will focus on those deep, deep things and the external will readily follow. But how easy is it to change our internal being? It's tough because we often don't even know what is going on in there. We find so many ways to ignore it and get distracted from it that we have no idea what we are even running from all the time. But most of us seem to be running. I know I have been and if people have no idea that I have been then there are a lot of other people probably doing the same thing. I guess I know this because when I do talk to people about my problems, it's not usually about what someone has done that bothers me but more about why I am disappointed in myself and feel like I can't be who I want to be.
I have been using meditation to try and fix my external individual. When I say external I guess I am referring to anything people see or hear from me. I've been trying to "fix" myself so that I can feel worthy of having friends and being loved. I run away from people before they can love me and I tend to ignore those who may already do so. I have let so many friends slip away. Sure, people and things change but I have intentionally done so. I get to a certain point with people and either let them in or run away. And if I let them in and our relationship or something else (like moving away or they get a significant other or become busy or too much time goes by and we haven't talked), then I avoid. I watch these things happen time and time again and wonder what the heck is going on.
I don't trust my deep self to be good enough or become good enough so I keep that person away from everyone and play this external game until I am worn to the bone. You can't go too long working purely from your conscious. It's miserable. I wouldn't let my subconscious take over because I have told myself for so long that it is not to be trusted. There are so many reasons I don't trust my subconscious but now I recognize that there aren't many other ways to live life and any other option is no better than the previous. I can't keep living consciously thinking every thought and performing every action. Some things just gotta happen. I think because I am a natural pessimist that I have seen so many bad things that come from when people just go through everything however their subconscious takes them and rarely consciously making decisions. I am afraid of meritocracy and I am afraid of being something great. I have wondered for so long why I am any inkling of something good. Where do these good things about me come from? I can't exactly say I chose to be naturally a certain way or to be prone to making good decisions over bad ones. This idea scares me. Where do these good things come from? I didn't ask for them, did I? Maybe I did. I do believe in God and that we lived before this life but what does that really even mean. I don't want to think about it right now.
There are so many warnings out there. If you do this, you may get divorced. If you don't do this you may regret not having spent more time with your kids. And what really makes a criminal? A series of unfortunate circumstances?
Ok, I'm stopping. There comes a point where you have asked enough questions and rambled enough and I recognize that I have gotten to that point so it is time to stop. I will leave with a song:

My favorite song in my library right now.
Flume - Insane