Sucks

Things feel pretty sucky right now. I don't get pleasure from anything and I feel so empty inside most of the time. I think the pleasure thing is my fault...I decided that I didn't want other things to determine how I feel so I taught myself to think being happy because of external things is "bad" and now I am not happy because of anything most of the time. I just didn't want to let the things around me that I can't control determine how my life would be. I wanted to feel like I could be happy even though I don't ever know what is going to happen. None of us do. We are so fragile; we're always teetering on the edge of something. I didn't want money or things or other people to tell me how to feel so I just shut it all out and now I suffer every day because of that. I don't know what I want anymore. I want everything. I want to have nothing and still be happy. I want to be unhappy and still be happy. I guess I just want to be happy but what does that even mean? I've been trying to figure that out for so long and here I am; feeling like I've got so far to go before I can do what? I don't know. I'm done for now.