Trust

I can remember a few times that started me on the road toward losing all trust in myself. I remember one specific time that I was driving on my way to the beach and going down a straight part in the winding road and thinking "I should just keep driving straight off the road." Another time I thought to myself "I should just drive straight into that parked car (when coming upon a red light)," and another time where I thought that I should just jump off a ledge. Ok but I should have prefaced; these were not attempts at suicide but explorations into choice. I realized that I had full control of myself in making decisions like these and I felt a desire to exercise agency in areas that most do not. I realized at an early age that anything is possible within the sphere that I am acting. Ok, not anything, but a lot more than how we act within what we term to be "acceptable behavior." Even within the "acceptable behavior," there are infinite choices and possibilities. There are so many things we can do, but don't realize it. So many things. So many random things. I think we usually dismiss them and just dumb or not appropriate. And then what really even is "appropriate?" I can make choices regardless of whether they are termed "appropriate." Can't I decide how to act and change that decision? Aren't I free to do ridiculously stupid things? I mean, I have morals for sure, but aren't I free to disregard all morals I have and choose to drive down to Watts and yell something stupid and see what happens? I guess I feel like I can imagine what would happen, but experiencing it would be something entirely different. Our ability to run a scenario through our head and base our decisions on that is amazing, it's maybe the only thing that makes our human brains unique, but that doesn't mean we have to obey it. I mean, what is it that really keeps me from making absolutely stupid decisions? There have been times, standing on the edge of a high cliff with friends or family or whatever, where I have thought to myself "only a few inches more, that's all it takes," or "just a little slip up in my balance and I'm a goner." And then I would start to dwell on the thought and would really start to get scared because the more I thought about it, the more it became plausible.
I guess that's what really scares me, is how much I think about things. I don't know when to stop most of the time and the only thing that separates us from being murderers is our thoughts; what we choose to dwell on. It's one thought, then another, then another, then another and next thing we know, we are doing drugs and sleeping on the streets. Maybe I'm not being clear but I guess I have decided that everything we do is somehow based on thoughts and our only real control in life is what we think about. Then I started to wonder even how much control we have over what we think about.
Oh man, it all makes sense now. I just have always been obsessed about thinking deeply into things. Just let it go, just let it go, just let it go. What a huge, giant circle I have gone in. It's late. It's 1 am and I am at the library on campus because I was studying earlier and as I was walking out to my car I had some insights so I had to stop by the library again on my way out and get it down.
Ok, I'm cool.