The past

To all the people who say to be in the present and just keep moving forward: BS. Gosh people don't know what they are talking about. Don't listen to anything that anyone says unless it feels right. BS BS. They say things and don't know what the heck they are saying. For years I have been trying to fix all my crap by "moving forward (exaggerated negative sarcastic voice)" and "being in the now" but really all I have been doing is running away from real issues in my past that I don't feel like I can mentally deal with. Running and running and running. It's amazing how much people think they know and how entitled they feel to give their opinion as if it were fact. "Girl, I was there, that is NOT what happened."
They have their issues too so I will be nice. I understand, they simply want to feel loved in their own mixed up way. Validation. Feeling important. We seek after all these things and forget that by being true to our thoughts and feelings we are drawn closer to those around us who struggle and there is no greater feeling than sharing your deepest, scariest inner self with someone for no other reason than the need to share. And then, when you feel understood, you are ready to understand.
Yeah, yeah, I talk about all of this as if I know. I'm just saying that this is it, this is real. These are my feelings: unadulterated and with no frills. No more filters. Well, some. I guess no one can ever really say "no more." We don't just choose to stop doing something and then be done, no sane person at least. Yeah, people quit smoking on a whim, but any true behavior that has occurred again and again is connected to our mental makeup. We can't will our neurons to fire a different way or disconnect memories to experiences.
I'm done.

Fix me, Passion Pit.
Passion Pit - Kingdom Come

Not until...

I seem to tell myself things like "I won't be happy until I figure out how to not be intimidated by other guys." I don't know how long I have been telling myself things like that but I know that if I don't notice the thought that I will start to act around it and construct my life in a way that makes it true. In other words, I have been living in a way that doesn't make room for happiness until all my problems are figured out which translates into never being happy. Stupid naps.

And again

Again I am able to see the transition of depression. Man, is it tough. I am so used to fighting it that I don't realize how all-consuming it can become. It seems like it could go on forever. A half hour ago all I ever wanted to do for the rest of my life was sleep. That is literally what I thought. I thought to myself "There is nothing in this world that I want to do right now. Absolutely nothing seems appealing." It is those thoughts that one can barely grasp that drug me out of it. And that is how it feels. It feels like being drug out of a feeling. As it happened, I realized that if I pushed too hard, I would fall back down again. So fragile. Right now as I type I can feel it simmering on the surface again and simple from acknowledging it, it started to go away, but if I didn't type about it, I would have inevitably slowly fallen back into it. Awareness is more than simply acknowledging something, it is more about not being afraid and giving up but not giving in. It is so complicated. I could try to ignore the feeling in hopes that it would go away, and it would continue to get worse and worse. I could start to get afraid from it and it would get worse. I could look for things to fight it with and it would get worse. This time, it was simply drawing my attention to it that it got better, but i can't try that next time because that will be a form of fighting it and whenever I fight it, it gets worse. It is very fragile. People can't understand unless they have REALLY felt it. And you can't REALLY feel it unless it has become a way of life for you. One day, two days; doesn't really cut it. When it becomes normal for you, it becomes a whole different game. Getting out doesn't "just happen" and your mind knows that. You know that in an hour it may come back and tomorrow won't be much different. It CAN'T be much different because then it wouldn't be true recovery and that thought is depressing all on its own. I know that next week I won't feel like much has changed because the change has to be so slight that I don't notice it for it to be effective. My system can't handle a big internal change, it wouldn't know how to react. It's like working out: if someone just piled a bunch of muscle on me in one fell swoop, it would quickly go away because I wouldn't know what to do with all of it. If I didn't have the habit of working out and doing what I would do with that muscle, I would quickly lose it. Or it could be like hitting the gym really hard; I would only get super sore and pull something. Maybe these analogies are my brain's way of saying "dude, we gotta work out." Crap, I really don't want to. I need to get a whole new routine now that I don't have access to my school's gym.

I love this CD. It was a very surprising CD to me. It felt like I had a musical hole in my soul that I didn't know about.
Junior Boys - FM

Don't want to

Maybe one of the reasons people with depression are immobile in making decisions and have no desire to do anything at all is due to some mental/physical/emotional habit of running away from thoughts. When we don't want to do something, we think about it, think how we don't want to do it, think about something else, do something else, think about it again, and continue to go through this process until we eventually do it. This may be a very quick process (a minute), or really long (a few hours/days). I think when someone has depression, they have physical and mental reactions to simple thoughts like this. These thoughts may be connected to very difficult things in their lives that they have no awareness of. Because of this, their mind may tend to shut off when faced with the thought of doing something they don't want to do, or not wanting to do something they need to do. I guess I am just going off of what I experienced about 3 minutes ago.

Kinda cheesy music but I'm feeling it. I love his voice.
Paper Route - Two Hearts