And again

Again I am able to see the transition of depression. Man, is it tough. I am so used to fighting it that I don't realize how all-consuming it can become. It seems like it could go on forever. A half hour ago all I ever wanted to do for the rest of my life was sleep. That is literally what I thought. I thought to myself "There is nothing in this world that I want to do right now. Absolutely nothing seems appealing." It is those thoughts that one can barely grasp that drug me out of it. And that is how it feels. It feels like being drug out of a feeling. As it happened, I realized that if I pushed too hard, I would fall back down again. So fragile. Right now as I type I can feel it simmering on the surface again and simple from acknowledging it, it started to go away, but if I didn't type about it, I would have inevitably slowly fallen back into it. Awareness is more than simply acknowledging something, it is more about not being afraid and giving up but not giving in. It is so complicated. I could try to ignore the feeling in hopes that it would go away, and it would continue to get worse and worse. I could start to get afraid from it and it would get worse. I could look for things to fight it with and it would get worse. This time, it was simply drawing my attention to it that it got better, but i can't try that next time because that will be a form of fighting it and whenever I fight it, it gets worse. It is very fragile. People can't understand unless they have REALLY felt it. And you can't REALLY feel it unless it has become a way of life for you. One day, two days; doesn't really cut it. When it becomes normal for you, it becomes a whole different game. Getting out doesn't "just happen" and your mind knows that. You know that in an hour it may come back and tomorrow won't be much different. It CAN'T be much different because then it wouldn't be true recovery and that thought is depressing all on its own. I know that next week I won't feel like much has changed because the change has to be so slight that I don't notice it for it to be effective. My system can't handle a big internal change, it wouldn't know how to react. It's like working out: if someone just piled a bunch of muscle on me in one fell swoop, it would quickly go away because I wouldn't know what to do with all of it. If I didn't have the habit of working out and doing what I would do with that muscle, I would quickly lose it. Or it could be like hitting the gym really hard; I would only get super sore and pull something. Maybe these analogies are my brain's way of saying "dude, we gotta work out." Crap, I really don't want to. I need to get a whole new routine now that I don't have access to my school's gym.

I love this CD. It was a very surprising CD to me. It felt like I had a musical hole in my soul that I didn't know about.
Junior Boys - FM