Answers

I always seem to get answers when I don't want them. Like I literally feel myself learning something and I'm like STOP, I don't want you NOW, I needed you EARLIER you stupid answer!

In short, when I was younger I felt a lot. Like, I was a softie. Well I'm probably still a softie except I have buried it all; all my feelings under this idea that I can be something without them. Well I guess I am that. I don't really feel. I have taught myself to not feel because I guess that is what I wanted back then. I guess I got fed up with feeling pride, jealousy, envy, disappointment, rejection and whatever else so I decided that I didn't want to feel anymore. So steadily, I have done just that. I have stopped feeling. Even when I am depressed, it's not this I'm-going-to-cry-my-life-sucks-so-bad sadness. It's more of this dull, nothing-is-ever-going-to-be-good feeling. I guess I figured that if I felt a bit of pride that I was too prideful or if I felt jealous just a tad that I was a jealous person or whatever so every time I felt something like that I would quickly shut down my prefrontal cortex and stifle the thought. I've done it so much and so often that all I really ever feel is anxiety or depression. Either I am stimulated (anxious) or not (depressed).

So now I need to learn to allow myself to feel. I need to feel jealous or intimidated or envious and realize that, like a bad habit, I need to learn to love myself WITH those feelings and accept that I have those things as a result of being part of the human race and the only way to get better is to experience it, not deny it. Blah blah blah blah. Trying to be too good is a bad thing. It really is.

I just spent 5 min trying to decipher the definition of irony to see if it applies to the connection of this song to this post. I'm still not sure if it does.
Kate Nash - Merry happy