Person

So something I did when I decided that I didn't want to feel lame emotions anymore was fabricate this representation of who I decided I was going to be. I guess I went around and paid particular attention to people who I felt had admirable qualities and started adding my own (perfect?) version of those qualities to make up this "me" who I was going to be. Then I took inventory of all the times that I behaved, thought and felt like how this "me" should behave/think/feel and sorta tacked it on there as a quality of this person. And then somewhere down the line I told myself so many times that this is who I wanted to be that I started thinking that this really was me and that all I had to do was figure out what was wrong with the current me as to inhibit me from being this other "me."

Wow. It makes a lot of sense now. Showers are great places to learn things. But actually I was thinking about this after my shower. Actually I have realized a lot of these things for a while, it just makes a lot more sense now. Writing it down has made it real.

Needless to say, this is not a good way to live life. I guess that is why I have been so anxious and depressed for the past few years. I have always been comparing myself to this perfect "me." Every time I am about to enter a situation I get anxious thinking of how I am going to fail at being this person and after every situation I get depressed not knowing what is wrong with me. The problem is...I still have problems. Learning key information like this doesn't change that. And I have developed so many hazardous ways of thinking that it is really easy to slip back into my previous ways and not even know it. But, bit by bit.