Force

I can't force change or desire. I have all these ideas and all this knowledge of how I can make myself happier (according to other people) but I continually realize that I can't rush the process. I forget to slow down, I forget to just allow things to be and what that means, and when I remember that I have forgotten, I try to beat the idea over my head again and again so that I won't forget again because I feel miserable when I forget. Everything is backward sometimes. Sometimes in order to get better I need to stop trying so hard to get better. Life isn't about getting better. Actually it is. But when do I start living? How can I keep trying to do better but be happy with what I am? I feel like I learned a lot of things in the wrong order.

I have to learn to just let myself suck sometimes. Otherwise I really will suck. I don't know what that means but I'm trying too hard to be good. Why can't I just be good? All these Buddhist experts say that good is naturally inside all of us, we just need to learn to let it out. Is that really true? How does anyone know if that is true? I'm afraid to stop trying. Maybe I'll never amount to anything if I stop. Maybe I'll become all those things that people say "don't do that, don't be this." Maybe if I don't try to remember everything that's important I won't remember anything important. Or I won't be anything important.

When will I get there? Everyone says never if I keep thinking that way but it is pretty obvious to me that I'm unhappy now. So I need to learn to be happy now. Right? Yet another thing to remember to do. Yet I know the only way to learn is to keep forgetting and keep remembering but when will it be enough? Never. It will never be enough because I will never stop learning. I guess we just keep going because any other option is stupid.

The perfect song for this feeling. I don't really believe it's an ugly life but I think it's important to remember that everyone, regardless of circumstances in life, feels this way sometimes. Ben Cooper is a great songwriter.
Electric President - It's an ugly life