Black Hole

The scary thing about depression is the black hole of sadness. Before, it was hard to stay in a bad mood for too long. Even if I wanted to. Now, the harder I try to be in a good mood, the worse I feel. No matter how good it looks on paper, sometimes I feel like my insides are rotting. And the scariest part of all is the idea that it won't "just get better." I have been this way for years and I'm not just going to wake up and be optimistic. No matter how hard I try, because believe me when I say I try. Sometimes I think trying makes things worse. Actually I know trying can make things worse.

Another scary idea: sometimes I feel better when I just give up. Like, I literally become happy when I say "to hell with it all" and mentally give up. So I'm like, how does that work (but I'm much more angry when I say it)? How do you reconcile something like that? I try too hard. Simple fact but the most difficult thing for me to learn. Dear depression, I hate you.

Let me put it this way: I can bet on, no matter how good things seem, it will get bad. I try to make it opposite; that no matter how bad things get, it will get better, but the bad outweighs the good so I'm lying to myself when I say that. And lying to myself also makes me unhappy.