Deprive

I knowingly deprive myself of happiness and things that I want. I am still trying to understand why but I think I have this problem with believing that, if other people don't or can't have it, I shouldn't either. I don't know what that means and I think I take pride in that fact. Like, I must believe that I am good because I deprive myself of good things. Or maybe I think I am tough because I force myself to encounter hard or difficult things. It's wack and hopefully I change my attitude.

Later: I guess at times I think, "He/she has that (usually not a temporal thing like money or objects, but more like optimism, humor, friends, a good memory, etc.) why can't I?" But then I see someone else and think "Well, they don't have it, why should I?" I've probably thought that so much that I believe that I should not have good things because other people don't. And I probably took it a step further and thought, "I should deprive myself of some good things because other people can't have them or won't or don't." I know, it's stupid. We all have our own strengths, trials and journey but I can't help but think that if I am happy, there is someone else out there who isn't, and that makes me sad.