Watching

My life is an unfinished movie. I am the director and I just can't seem to get people to work together. At times I see the scene we are filming and know that it isn't going to work out but just have to try because I feel like I just need to try. There is this euphoria from doing a new and exciting thing but eventually I can see how it isn't going to work and know what is on its way to me. Then the crash, but there are so many little crashes that I can just watch the bad things as they are happening, not knowing how it is going to turn out but having been through the process so many times that I know where I am within it.

I think I have strayed from the movie metaphor.

I guess I get good moments and run with them. I have searched so hard for understanding that when I feel like I have something that works I run as fast as I can with it in the hopes that this time I can simply get the race done before I need to rest. I don't know how to take my time. It's push and push and push when I am tired, then give up and regain some strength and then run and run and run until I lose whatever I gained. I haven't found a safe, steady pace yet. Yet. But I guess the good things are that I am much more OK with where I am. 

I just have so many damn questions. Man oh man the more I get into this the more I realize how much of a process it is. Slow, take it slow. That doesn't mean that it will always suck, it just means that you shouldn't expect to get a girlfriend before you spend some time making true friends. And you can't expect to make some true friends until you actually get out and....

Alright just got done talking to my sister on the phone. I forget that other people have normal struggles like me. I mean, I guess I forget that the people I look up to have normal struggles too. I guess I am just too down on myself about talking about the things that bug me to anyone who I think will care. I guess in my family we were kind of taught not to complain and so I think any time I want to complain that I shouldn't. I think complaining is good to an extent. We connect to people in new ways through complaining. We are able to be ourselves and be accepted with our flaws and worries and sadness. We no longer have to hide the things that we are scared of. No more "How are you?" "Fine" because we think it is what they want to hear. Maybe they really want to hear that we are crappy because sometimes they feel crappy too. We all feel crappy, right? We just don't want to talk about being crappy with the people who are always complaining about their problems because we don't feel like they are listening. But the people who never talk about their problems, when they open up, we realize that we are not so strange and I think I have gotten to a point where I don't want to keep trying to be strange. I'm strange enough as I am. 

So whatever I do, I am going to start including people because I know my intentions with people are good and that I won't do these things to justify my own pride or vain ambitions. I know I have pride and vain ambitions, but I know they are definitely not the driving forces in my life. 

Summer is coming...I can see myself just driving on a bright, hot day to this song.

New Navy - Breathe (Telepopmusik Remix)