Thinking

"I just think too much." Everyone says that. But it sucks trying to solve thinking too much by thinking about it. I have had therapists, 6 of them. Sort of. a couple were psychiatrists and others I didn't really see that much of. But I have attempted many times. None of them really listened. That is how I will be different. I guess I am ashamed to say that I want to be a psychologist because I have problems. We all have problems. Hopefully my experiences with depression, self-loathing, thoughts of suicide, debilitating anxiety, repression and avoidance will help me to connect with people as a therapist. I never felt like I connected with my therapists. One, yes, but I only met with him once and it cost almost $300. Try to justify that when everyone around me doesn't notice anything is wrong. I thought many times about just doing something crazy so someone would notice. Maybe then they would take me seriously. But, alas, I was too much of a coward to do something that would give me that attention. I say that in a very negative way but that was how I felt about it. I felt that maybe if I was just a little less self-conscious that I could do something noteworthy but I am too guilty of a person to do anything that would cause others to have to adjust their schedules and attend to me. I have a hard time spending my parent's money on therapy.

Example of my guilt:
My friend Tommy and I were a little crazy in high school. Just really excitable and loved doing things that weren't necessarily illegal but also weren't considered normal. Nothing too crazy. But a few years out of high school we met up again (he from Colorado, me still at home) and took a little trip to 7-11 for some energy drinks. Since the time I started feeling like something was wrong with me I also stopped feeling the effects of caffeine and other mild stimulants. Well I didn't want that to show, so I tried putting a little more effort into my energy by chest-bumping a sign after we bolted outside and started running to who knows where. No big deal except this sign was about 6 feet tall. So pretty much I clothes-lined myself. Hit my head straight on the corner of the curb and was out cold, bleeding all over the parking lot (so I was told). Tommy called my house, no answer. Called 911, no one answered. Called my house, still no answer but I guess my parents picked it up as he was leaving a message and somehow got the clue that I needed to be picked up. The next thing I remember is being in my dad's truck and dropping Tommy off at my house to go to the ER. No. Next was the ER but I don't think we stayed long because my gash wasn't too bad so we dropped Tommy off and took me to the Woodland Hills Kaiser at 1AM. So the purpose of this story: I don't remember much until we got to Kaiser but I do remember saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Apparently my dad had told me many times to stop saying it but I just kept on going. I do remember feeling really guilty for doing such a stupid thing to myself and causing my parents to drive me around so I could get a few staples in my thick skull. I mean, I was 21. Chest bump a handicapped sign? Really? So yeah, I'm a guilty person I guess. No, I know (I'm trying to be more confident).

Earlier tonight I found an amazing song for me. Like one of those songs that feels like it fits into your life (lots of italics). Again, courtesy of majestic.
Daughter - Youth (Alle Farben remix)