On the other hand, at work a few hours ago I could just collapse from all the stress. Often I really don't know what exactly I am trying to do, I just know that I am thinking way too much and my field of vision is narrower and my heartrate up I can't do the simple math problems my students had for homework. It's difficult.
I realized on the drive to CSULB that I have the tendency to do things based on the idea that someday I'll be better. The more I learn, the more I realize that this anxiety and depression, although it does seem to just disappear sometimes, will not just disappear. Therefore, I need to start living life in a way that makes room for it. So instead of just thinking that when I am in a good mood, this is how it is always supposed to be and the anxiety is an abnormality (although it kinda is), I need to figure that when I am relaxed, I am just that and when I am anxious, I am just that.
Ok, it's not that simple to explain. I guess when you are on the downward spiral of denial and frustration concerning depression and anxiety, you may start to think that there is just something wrong that can be figured out any minute. For me, the worse I got, the more I believed this. The problem was the huge disparity between my good and bad moods. Before, I would float through them like anyone else, not really paying much attention to the bad and always looking forward to the good. But after a few years of increasing depression and anxiety, you wake up and realize that things are bad. Sleeping is difficult and waking up is the worst. I would wake up every morning for a year and just wish I wasn't alive. So naturally, when I would experience an elated mood I would tell myself "Now this is me. That other person isn't me, but this is." That would lead to a disassociation of myself with the naturally-occurring tendencies of disappointment, sadness, anxiety, etc. and I would just simply turn off my emotions all together.
So after years of living that way, I started to realize that there is no "other life" nor is there a point of time to reach in the future where I am "better." If you think the thought "It will be better in the future," and you always think that thought, then that future will never be now. Right? You are always telling yourself that it is good in the future, not now, so you act, think and live that way. But you can't simply tell yourself that it is good now if it isn't. Lying to yourself makes things worse. So it's a give and take situation. I find recognition of the way you are talking to yourself/thinking is the best antidote, not telling yourself the opposite. Because it is somewhat true that it will be better in the future, but you can't act and think that way. Let me rephrase that. Don't ever tell yourself to not think something. It's unhealthy. If you have a thought, think it. Move past it. Understand it. You don't have to believe it, but you will believe it if you push it away. So simply recognize why you think that way and what things inhibit you from enjoying the present.
So for me today, I realized that when I am anxious I act in a way that I would not act for my whole life. I employ means to "solve" the situation that I don't want to have to do for my life, so I live in a way that denies the rest of my life. For example, if I feel anxiety talking to someone and avoid doing so, I would tell myself that I will talk to them when I don't feel this way anymore. Wrong. The feeling won't just go away. So I need to instead say, "Right now I don't feel like talking to them. Sometimes in life you just don't feel like talking to people. I can choose to talk to them and maybe it will be different or I can choose another time to do so." It may not seem that different but it is in my mind.
Let me see if I can make it more clear. I act differently when I am alone than when I am around people, and neither of those ways are how I want to be for the rest of my life. So I am thinking, acting and planning in a way that says "Things will be better in the future. Then I will live my life." I internalize that message and act that way in all situations. This brings me more stress and anxiety because I am taking myself out of the present and I am not dealing with the present situation in a way that says "this is a step in my life."
I hope this wasn't too confusing, I want to type and type and type until I believe there is no room for misunderstanding but I guess it is up to each individual to look inside themselves and listen to what their voice is saying to them.
Two keys: awareness and acceptance. Don't try to force it. It needs to feel easy and natural if you want it to be easy and natural. That doesn't always mean things will be easy and natural; it's give and take.
Speaking of sleep:
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