Elude

I have spent too much time thinking about socializing and eluding it. I often imagine how amazing it would be and often experience how horrible it can be. Sure, on the surface everyone is having a good time, and people usually come out happy they spent time with me (??) but during the ordeal I am a whole different story. Anxiety breeds anxiety so it doesn't stop once it starts. Instead, it must get to a point of no return and then it is addressed. Until then, I am still in a point of denial. Actually, I don't deny so much anymore. I know it is coming, I just am a deer in headlights. I literally freeze up inside and stop making decisions. I can feel my vision start to narrow, my head fills up more and more and I feel like I'm slowly backing into a corner with some unknown predator slowly stalking me. It happens ever so slowly that I am unable to detect what exactly is triggering, I simply try to keep going but eventually all the added weight slows me down until I stop moving all together. And that's not all that figurative. I literally become somewhat catatonic. My movements are slower and I often stay in one position, staring in one direction. Just let go. I try too hard. I think too much. I hold onto things and try to fix everything. Everything doesn't need to be fixed, but it sure feels like it when every time I try, I feel like I failed. And all these lies people tell you about simply looking for the good...don't believe it. You can't force good thoughts or feelings. If it were that freaken simple I would have been better years ago. That made it worse. It is a good idea; the idea that sometimes we are just looking for the bad, and it is something to be aware of, but forcing yourself to look for the good does no good. Not for me and not for I'm sure a lot of people who experience the same things. So the paradoxes continue. I must try harder to not try as hard, I must learn to solve the problem of trying to solve too many problems, I must let go of letting go, I must stop trying to feel good so I can feel good, and on and on and on. I accept that life is full of paradoxes, I just don't know when the tipping point will be for me. When will I get to a point where I don't have to run away to "fix it?" When will I truly feel like the night was a success, like I truly enjoyed myself? Is that not a point to reach? I put too much pressure on the now. Everything seems to point to "dude, just be in the now," but freak, sometimes you can try to hard to be in the now. Or sometimes you can simply be too much in the now. I feel like there is so much pressure on the now that I am being crushed. I just need to relax and realize that the now is always now. It will always be now. Stupid people telling me to be in the now. No, stupid me for thinking that is the problem. Can you be so good at something that it becomes a handicap? I feel like I am so good at some things that it inhibits me from focusing on and working on other things. Like when the time comes to perform, I have spent so much time analyzing and understanding that I don't know how to do the dance anymore. Who cares? Why understand what everything means? It only depresses. Not true, but how I feel right now. It is depressing thinking that everything, once it is made, will continue to deteriorate until it is trash. It is depressing to think that, while you may be having a good time, that person over there is feeling how you used to feel every day of your life. It is depressing to think that, while I need to be happy for myself for things I do, eventually I will take it too far and start to become prideful because I am scared. I am afraid, so I compare and make sure I am doing it right and I try so hard to get it right that I mess up and I have messed up so much and so often that it is all I can focus on anymore and I don't even know what it is like to feel good about yourself in a healthy way because I am afraid of every prideful thought; that it is simply going to lead to heartache of one kind: my own from realizing how stupid I have been, or that of someone else because of how stupid I have been.

Freak that was a rant. I was really going pretty fast for a bit there. It is easy when you can type as fast as you can think. And by not thinking about typing, I can be pretty proficient at it. Gosh, why did I ever think thinking was good? I have trained myself wrong.

I mean, what really is it that goes on in all of your minds? I just don't get it...what do you think about? Do you think? How do you just go with it?

I believe this calls for a Bon Iver remix.
Bon Iver - Perth (JacM Chillstep Remix)