Inception

Im pissed right now. Usually when I get out of a long bout of anxiety I get pretty mad. All these emotions that are blocked under the facade of anxiety sorta flood to the surface as soon as I find a way to calm down.

Being anxious about something isn't so bad. Having test anxiety or public speaking anxiety are natural and normal. Where I seem to get super caught up is getting anxious about being anxious. When you are anxious so often you forget that there are real reasons that people become anxious. I sorta blended everything into this cocktail of being anxious about being anxious. That doesn't end. It can go on forever because, since there is no conscious reason for the anxiety, there is no escape. And since there is always something potentially anxiety-inducing, there is always the potential of more anxiety.

So I guess what it boils down to is being anxious about being is not so great. It doesn't solve anything. I get stuck in this infinite loop of anxiety because every time I relax, all I have to do is think about being anxious and I get anxious about being anxious. If I can attribute my anxiety to something real, I may not have so much of a problem escaping (that word feels right for me now but it's more about accepting than escaping). When I started becoming consistently anxious, there were real reasons; things I feared and anticipated. After a while it became such a constant feeling that those reasons faded away and I started to believe that I was just always this way for no reason. Or it is my fault.
I'm tired.

I'm back on this post. As I was lying here at my computer I realized that I have been trying for too long to make this life simple. When I was younger I would always hear people say that life is complicated and I never wanted it to be like that for me. I have worked and worked to try and make it simple but instead have made it even more complicated. "How is this?" you may ask. Well I got this image in my head as I was lying there. I realized that life was still complicated whether I was trying to make it less so or not. Therefore, I was making it even more complicated because I was adding false beliefs into the mixture. It is like two trains moving one direction and they are side-by-side. One train is life and the other is me. In my mind, the trains were touching and I was trying to slow down my train but life kept going. All that did was create friction between the two trains, and friction is uncomfortable. So my choice is to continue to try to slow my train down and endure that constant friction, or instead to go with the speed of life and, although I will be tired from always going forward, speeding up, slowing down and refueling, at least I won't have that friction anymore. Then I will learn how to better go with life than against it.