Stop

I'm afraid there is just nothing to stop me. I am afraid that if I don't keep running the same scenarios through my head that maybe I will just purposely fail. Maybe I will just snap. Maybe I'll become one of those stories where everyone is like "I don't know, he seemed like such a normal guy with a normal life. He seemed fine." Maybe I'll do something I'll regret for the rest of my life. Maybe if I don't stop myself from thinking horrible thoughts, maybe I'll actually do something horrible. I feel like I have a very vivid imagination. Like last night on the pier I kept imagining the people walking up to me and stabbing me. And if I start thinking about car crashes and stuff like that while driving, I can start to see all the ways things can go wrong. I feel like I have to stop these thoughts of needing to run away or needing to throw my computer. What is the difference between doing it and thinking about doing it? Isn't it just a few steps from thinking about doing something to actually doing it? And who will stop me from doing it? I'm not really even listing some of the things that worry me. Like I worry when I'm close to the edge of something that I'll just jump. Like, just to see what it is like. Or I would drive my car to the beach sometimes, through the windy canyon roads and just think "there is nothing stopping me from just running this car off the edge," and I would start to imagine what that would be like. Or in class I get urges to yell or scream or say some obscenity or throw something at the teacher. I wonder what it would be like to break things and do things that society finds inappropriate. I don't know if other people have these thoughts and I don't know what to do about them. I think I am really messing myself up by stopping my thoughts all the time and trying to direct them to things I think would be "better" but I don't know what to do about the thoughts I am afraid of.