Away

Man, I can't get away from this thing. I guess just the idea that someone will read it and understand me is freeing. I guess it takes the burden of explaining myself in the future off slightly. That maybe when I finally start to date someone I can just direct them to my footnote. Like "here's Bret* (see footnote)." It's been a daunting task to think that I will eventually have to share the parts of me I am ashamed of. Not necessarily bad things really, but nevertheless I am ashamed.

I truly forget how withdrawn I've become until I'm compelled to hang out with an old friend. I mean, I want to hang out with them but it's not that simple. It's more that I want to want to hang out with them (inception). The fact is that my body and mind change when I am around people. I guess years ago I realized the only real point of life is to get close to people and learn to live together. I loved people when I was in high school. I couldn't stay in one place with one group of friends, I was always bouncing around. My first year at University of Arizona I was able to keep it up a little but I definitely lost some steam. Then it caught up with me and I stopped trying to make myself hang out with people. I think before I was just running away from myself. I didn't understand how someone could stand to spend time alone. I always had to be around people. Now I avoid people. I'm slightly OK with it, it's definitely painful, especially when people seem to really want to hang out with me. How do I say no? I really want to but I can't. Literally can't. Like my brain starts to shut down when I do. I start to forget simple things and become immobile inside. I've spent so much time imagining how I want to live my life around people that when I finally am in the situation, it ends up being nothing like what I hoped (I blame myself) and I slowly start to shut down.

We say the things that are on our minds right? When we are around people? I mean, not everything obviously, but the things that come to our minds become the things that we say. I can't do that because I have connected being around people with so many conflicting and difficult ideas in my head. So I have to fight to have thoughts I would consider "normal" in a social situation. And the fighting inevitably drains me of energy. Then that situation becomes another one to chalk up to, in my head, as one of my many failures. "Why can't you just talk to people like everyone else? It's so easy if you just relax and stop worrying about yourself. What the heck is wrong with you? Everyone is going to notice that you are screwed up." I don't want any pity here, but this is the way it is. I know everyone has thoughts like this but either I am super weak or it's a little more intense for me (us). Because I can tell the difference. I know both sides of myself. I have seen when it is ridiculously easy and when it's obsessively hard.

Freak I have a lot to say. I need to relax. I know I would not be able to read all this stuff I've written but maybe it'll help someone in the future. And maybe not. Maybe it'll only help me and I guess that is good enough.