Facebook

I try to understand why I don't want to read (textbooks) or study. I mean, it's learning and learning is fun. I guess it is the idea that a certain amount of information must be conceptualized and remembered. If I could choose what to pay attention to, I would probably do it for fun more. At the same time, you kind of can get into anything you start reading if you get enough visualization and association during your reading. It really can be enjoyable. So why then is the nagging feeling of stopping and going on facebook consistently there? Especially facebook. I stopped myself this time before I logged in to ask "why?" I mean, I really don't often get notifications, I don't really stop to read people's posts, I mostly jump from picture to picture and get hooked on videos. That visual stimulus is an easy thing. No real work is required. Maybe that is why kids prefer movies and videogames over books. Books are difficult to get into if you're not a consistent reader (I am not).

So facebook. Why was I getting on? It was just so I wouldn't have to face my thoughts and feelings really. I simply run and run until I am forced to stop. It would be easier if I were to handle the issues as they surfaced but it seems easier to deny their existence. So facebook is automatic. Looking at news forces me to face the idea that I really don't know what is going on in the world all that well or reminds me that I suck at history (names and dates). When I run through my quick-access database of websites (youtube, yahoo, facebook) and think "man, I really should spend my time on something else," that idea of having to look for another website becomes too burdensome and I automatically divert to facebook. And why facebook? I realized that at least through facebook I feel connected to people in whatever small way it may be. They succeeded! Even though I rarely comment and rarely post, I still feel like I am part of something when I am on it. I just browse and browse and browse, hoping for some sort of way out of my mind. I don't really think I want out of my mind, I just want to avoid processes. I like being somewhere rather than being on my way to somewhere, and life is full of going somewhere so it is hard to learn to be where you are which is always going somewhere. Life is dynamic and always moving and I have for too long been looking for ways to stop things so I can figure it all out. Facebook is an escape into a timeless state where other people do things and you simply observe with no need to internalize, learn, question, or comment but which still provides some form of social connection but without the awkwardness of one who is simply there observing. I guess I like to observe and sometimes it is too hard to do that around people who are trying to talk to you. I want things to be slow so I can figure them out but life is not slow. So when life makes my otherwise slow mind fast (every time), I tend to go somewhere where it can keep being fast without the need to acknowledge the fact.

Wow, I really have gotten deep into my thinking processes. I have learned a lot from meditating lately, much of which have to do with my attachment to thinking and thoughts in general. Also feelings. I am more and more aware of the beliefs which propel my behaviors and shape my feelings. It's a strange thing to become aware of what you are doing. In one moment you are simply obeying a thought that you have come to identify with your life, and in the next moment, for some strange reason, my awareness turns onto the thought, realizing that this code may not even be valid (at least not completely valid).

Ok well I need to get back to studying for my Psychology of Addiction exam which I have in 3 hours.

It's also interesting to become aware of the things that you fear. It's such a delicate process.

Gorillaz has surprised me with their talent...I just assumed they were product of my middle-school taste but they're truly good.
Gorrillaz - Crystalised (the xx cover)