Called

So what do I do now? I haven't talked to my friend in a few months and she called me. I didn't answer. I could already feel what talking to her would be like. Can it be much different than it has been in the past? Anyone I asked would tell me to pick it up but it's a little different when you actually have to do the talking. What do I say? Anything I want to say would seem inappropriate. No one wants to bring anyone else down. People call to hear good news right? That's what they seem to expect. That's all they share. So I don't want to show anyone that their happiness kills a little part of me. What a selfish way to live. Be happy for someone and their fortune. When my immediate reaction to someone else's happiness is sadness, worry or intimidation, more sadness is usually not far behind. Then I tell myself "do I really have to go through this? Is this necessary?" I guess so because I seem to have no other options right now. I mean, I think I'm trying my best.

I just listened to the message. It makes me mad that someone misses me. How could they enjoy being around me when I don't? I just don't get it. What do they see? What am I missing? I feel fake. I want to force myself to be happy to hear from them because it seems like that is the way it is supposed to be but instead I feel like one of us is lying. And I am sick of being wrong.

I just need to tell myself that feelings change. I get this idea in my head that if I feel something for just a little bit, it must be true. Or it must be inescapable. Neither are absolute. Things change a lot. Hourly, daily, monthly, yearly. Things are changing.