The past

To all the people who say to be in the present and just keep moving forward: BS. Gosh people don't know what they are talking about. Don't listen to anything that anyone says unless it feels right. BS BS. They say things and don't know what the heck they are saying. For years I have been trying to fix all my crap by "moving forward (exaggerated negative sarcastic voice)" and "being in the now" but really all I have been doing is running away from real issues in my past that I don't feel like I can mentally deal with. Running and running and running. It's amazing how much people think they know and how entitled they feel to give their opinion as if it were fact. "Girl, I was there, that is NOT what happened."
They have their issues too so I will be nice. I understand, they simply want to feel loved in their own mixed up way. Validation. Feeling important. We seek after all these things and forget that by being true to our thoughts and feelings we are drawn closer to those around us who struggle and there is no greater feeling than sharing your deepest, scariest inner self with someone for no other reason than the need to share. And then, when you feel understood, you are ready to understand.
Yeah, yeah, I talk about all of this as if I know. I'm just saying that this is it, this is real. These are my feelings: unadulterated and with no frills. No more filters. Well, some. I guess no one can ever really say "no more." We don't just choose to stop doing something and then be done, no sane person at least. Yeah, people quit smoking on a whim, but any true behavior that has occurred again and again is connected to our mental makeup. We can't will our neurons to fire a different way or disconnect memories to experiences.
I'm done.

Fix me, Passion Pit.
Passion Pit - Kingdom Come

Not until...

I seem to tell myself things like "I won't be happy until I figure out how to not be intimidated by other guys." I don't know how long I have been telling myself things like that but I know that if I don't notice the thought that I will start to act around it and construct my life in a way that makes it true. In other words, I have been living in a way that doesn't make room for happiness until all my problems are figured out which translates into never being happy. Stupid naps.

And again

Again I am able to see the transition of depression. Man, is it tough. I am so used to fighting it that I don't realize how all-consuming it can become. It seems like it could go on forever. A half hour ago all I ever wanted to do for the rest of my life was sleep. That is literally what I thought. I thought to myself "There is nothing in this world that I want to do right now. Absolutely nothing seems appealing." It is those thoughts that one can barely grasp that drug me out of it. And that is how it feels. It feels like being drug out of a feeling. As it happened, I realized that if I pushed too hard, I would fall back down again. So fragile. Right now as I type I can feel it simmering on the surface again and simple from acknowledging it, it started to go away, but if I didn't type about it, I would have inevitably slowly fallen back into it. Awareness is more than simply acknowledging something, it is more about not being afraid and giving up but not giving in. It is so complicated. I could try to ignore the feeling in hopes that it would go away, and it would continue to get worse and worse. I could start to get afraid from it and it would get worse. I could look for things to fight it with and it would get worse. This time, it was simply drawing my attention to it that it got better, but i can't try that next time because that will be a form of fighting it and whenever I fight it, it gets worse. It is very fragile. People can't understand unless they have REALLY felt it. And you can't REALLY feel it unless it has become a way of life for you. One day, two days; doesn't really cut it. When it becomes normal for you, it becomes a whole different game. Getting out doesn't "just happen" and your mind knows that. You know that in an hour it may come back and tomorrow won't be much different. It CAN'T be much different because then it wouldn't be true recovery and that thought is depressing all on its own. I know that next week I won't feel like much has changed because the change has to be so slight that I don't notice it for it to be effective. My system can't handle a big internal change, it wouldn't know how to react. It's like working out: if someone just piled a bunch of muscle on me in one fell swoop, it would quickly go away because I wouldn't know what to do with all of it. If I didn't have the habit of working out and doing what I would do with that muscle, I would quickly lose it. Or it could be like hitting the gym really hard; I would only get super sore and pull something. Maybe these analogies are my brain's way of saying "dude, we gotta work out." Crap, I really don't want to. I need to get a whole new routine now that I don't have access to my school's gym.

I love this CD. It was a very surprising CD to me. It felt like I had a musical hole in my soul that I didn't know about.
Junior Boys - FM

Don't want to

Maybe one of the reasons people with depression are immobile in making decisions and have no desire to do anything at all is due to some mental/physical/emotional habit of running away from thoughts. When we don't want to do something, we think about it, think how we don't want to do it, think about something else, do something else, think about it again, and continue to go through this process until we eventually do it. This may be a very quick process (a minute), or really long (a few hours/days). I think when someone has depression, they have physical and mental reactions to simple thoughts like this. These thoughts may be connected to very difficult things in their lives that they have no awareness of. Because of this, their mind may tend to shut off when faced with the thought of doing something they don't want to do, or not wanting to do something they need to do. I guess I am just going off of what I experienced about 3 minutes ago.

Kinda cheesy music but I'm feeling it. I love his voice.
Paper Route - Two Hearts

Trust

I can remember a few times that started me on the road toward losing all trust in myself. I remember one specific time that I was driving on my way to the beach and going down a straight part in the winding road and thinking "I should just keep driving straight off the road." Another time I thought to myself "I should just drive straight into that parked car (when coming upon a red light)," and another time where I thought that I should just jump off a ledge. Ok but I should have prefaced; these were not attempts at suicide but explorations into choice. I realized that I had full control of myself in making decisions like these and I felt a desire to exercise agency in areas that most do not. I realized at an early age that anything is possible within the sphere that I am acting. Ok, not anything, but a lot more than how we act within what we term to be "acceptable behavior." Even within the "acceptable behavior," there are infinite choices and possibilities. There are so many things we can do, but don't realize it. So many things. So many random things. I think we usually dismiss them and just dumb or not appropriate. And then what really even is "appropriate?" I can make choices regardless of whether they are termed "appropriate." Can't I decide how to act and change that decision? Aren't I free to do ridiculously stupid things? I mean, I have morals for sure, but aren't I free to disregard all morals I have and choose to drive down to Watts and yell something stupid and see what happens? I guess I feel like I can imagine what would happen, but experiencing it would be something entirely different. Our ability to run a scenario through our head and base our decisions on that is amazing, it's maybe the only thing that makes our human brains unique, but that doesn't mean we have to obey it. I mean, what is it that really keeps me from making absolutely stupid decisions? There have been times, standing on the edge of a high cliff with friends or family or whatever, where I have thought to myself "only a few inches more, that's all it takes," or "just a little slip up in my balance and I'm a goner." And then I would start to dwell on the thought and would really start to get scared because the more I thought about it, the more it became plausible.
I guess that's what really scares me, is how much I think about things. I don't know when to stop most of the time and the only thing that separates us from being murderers is our thoughts; what we choose to dwell on. It's one thought, then another, then another, then another and next thing we know, we are doing drugs and sleeping on the streets. Maybe I'm not being clear but I guess I have decided that everything we do is somehow based on thoughts and our only real control in life is what we think about. Then I started to wonder even how much control we have over what we think about.
Oh man, it all makes sense now. I just have always been obsessed about thinking deeply into things. Just let it go, just let it go, just let it go. What a huge, giant circle I have gone in. It's late. It's 1 am and I am at the library on campus because I was studying earlier and as I was walking out to my car I had some insights so I had to stop by the library again on my way out and get it down.
Ok, I'm cool.

Deep inside

I've wondered for so long why it feels like all the work I am doing isn't manifesting into results. I realize that I have been focusing for so long on the external individual known as Bret, but who really is that guy deep inside? I haven't wanted to know for a long time. I have always felt a little rotten inside. Well we all have right? I guess I have felt that way so much that I have done all I can to not listen to it. I figure I can't trust that individual and that I have to do all these things on the external part of me to try and fix that person inside. Just a few hours ago I realized that all the things I try to figure out have to do with the surface manifestations of something deeper going on inside. Well no, I realized that a long time ago, just not the way I did earlier today. The reason change is so slow is because we need to work on that level. The external things we do are shots in the dark at changing and improving our internal feelings, thoughts, memories and desires. If we really want change we will focus on those deep, deep things and the external will readily follow. But how easy is it to change our internal being? It's tough because we often don't even know what is going on in there. We find so many ways to ignore it and get distracted from it that we have no idea what we are even running from all the time. But most of us seem to be running. I know I have been and if people have no idea that I have been then there are a lot of other people probably doing the same thing. I guess I know this because when I do talk to people about my problems, it's not usually about what someone has done that bothers me but more about why I am disappointed in myself and feel like I can't be who I want to be.
I have been using meditation to try and fix my external individual. When I say external I guess I am referring to anything people see or hear from me. I've been trying to "fix" myself so that I can feel worthy of having friends and being loved. I run away from people before they can love me and I tend to ignore those who may already do so. I have let so many friends slip away. Sure, people and things change but I have intentionally done so. I get to a certain point with people and either let them in or run away. And if I let them in and our relationship or something else (like moving away or they get a significant other or become busy or too much time goes by and we haven't talked), then I avoid. I watch these things happen time and time again and wonder what the heck is going on.
I don't trust my deep self to be good enough or become good enough so I keep that person away from everyone and play this external game until I am worn to the bone. You can't go too long working purely from your conscious. It's miserable. I wouldn't let my subconscious take over because I have told myself for so long that it is not to be trusted. There are so many reasons I don't trust my subconscious but now I recognize that there aren't many other ways to live life and any other option is no better than the previous. I can't keep living consciously thinking every thought and performing every action. Some things just gotta happen. I think because I am a natural pessimist that I have seen so many bad things that come from when people just go through everything however their subconscious takes them and rarely consciously making decisions. I am afraid of meritocracy and I am afraid of being something great. I have wondered for so long why I am any inkling of something good. Where do these good things about me come from? I can't exactly say I chose to be naturally a certain way or to be prone to making good decisions over bad ones. This idea scares me. Where do these good things come from? I didn't ask for them, did I? Maybe I did. I do believe in God and that we lived before this life but what does that really even mean. I don't want to think about it right now.
There are so many warnings out there. If you do this, you may get divorced. If you don't do this you may regret not having spent more time with your kids. And what really makes a criminal? A series of unfortunate circumstances?
Ok, I'm stopping. There comes a point where you have asked enough questions and rambled enough and I recognize that I have gotten to that point so it is time to stop. I will leave with a song:

My favorite song in my library right now.
Flume - Insane

Sucks

Things feel pretty sucky right now. I don't get pleasure from anything and I feel so empty inside most of the time. I think the pleasure thing is my fault...I decided that I didn't want other things to determine how I feel so I taught myself to think being happy because of external things is "bad" and now I am not happy because of anything most of the time. I just didn't want to let the things around me that I can't control determine how my life would be. I wanted to feel like I could be happy even though I don't ever know what is going to happen. None of us do. We are so fragile; we're always teetering on the edge of something. I didn't want money or things or other people to tell me how to feel so I just shut it all out and now I suffer every day because of that. I don't know what I want anymore. I want everything. I want to have nothing and still be happy. I want to be unhappy and still be happy. I guess I just want to be happy but what does that even mean? I've been trying to figure that out for so long and here I am; feeling like I've got so far to go before I can do what? I don't know. I'm done for now.

Better

Today while surfing I realized that I hold myself back. When I surf well, I tell myself to just be happy with that. Maybe over time I figured that I couldn't get as good as I wanted. Or maybe I struggled with getting better for so long that I just figured it wasn't in the cards to be a great surfer. Or maybe it always seemed like it would be too good to be true. I've dreamed so much what it would be like to surf well and talk about it with my friends so much that maybe I started to believe that it could never really happen. Well surfing has become a bit dull for me the past few years. I just have been at a progressive stand-still. There are days or moments where I will do something amazing and then the next day it seems like I'm back at square one. I think this is due to a lot of the obsessive tendencies of perfectionism I have and how inherently dynamic of a sport surfing is but today I feel like I released a dragon of capability. After I would catch a wave, I would notice that I would silently tell myself "well that was fun but it's not going to get better than that so I guess it's all downhill from here." When I noticed that thought I started to question it and say "why not be an amazing surfer? Why not me?" and tell myself that this is not it, there is more. There can be another great wave. It doesn't have to be exactly like that last one but it can be great. I can be great. It all seems like such simple talk but it felt monumental for me because of my constant, unseen internal fighting. Recognizing that I have these thoughts is key in trying to be better.

Watching

My life is an unfinished movie. I am the director and I just can't seem to get people to work together. At times I see the scene we are filming and know that it isn't going to work out but just have to try because I feel like I just need to try. There is this euphoria from doing a new and exciting thing but eventually I can see how it isn't going to work and know what is on its way to me. Then the crash, but there are so many little crashes that I can just watch the bad things as they are happening, not knowing how it is going to turn out but having been through the process so many times that I know where I am within it.

I think I have strayed from the movie metaphor.

I guess I get good moments and run with them. I have searched so hard for understanding that when I feel like I have something that works I run as fast as I can with it in the hopes that this time I can simply get the race done before I need to rest. I don't know how to take my time. It's push and push and push when I am tired, then give up and regain some strength and then run and run and run until I lose whatever I gained. I haven't found a safe, steady pace yet. Yet. But I guess the good things are that I am much more OK with where I am. 

I just have so many damn questions. Man oh man the more I get into this the more I realize how much of a process it is. Slow, take it slow. That doesn't mean that it will always suck, it just means that you shouldn't expect to get a girlfriend before you spend some time making true friends. And you can't expect to make some true friends until you actually get out and....

Alright just got done talking to my sister on the phone. I forget that other people have normal struggles like me. I mean, I guess I forget that the people I look up to have normal struggles too. I guess I am just too down on myself about talking about the things that bug me to anyone who I think will care. I guess in my family we were kind of taught not to complain and so I think any time I want to complain that I shouldn't. I think complaining is good to an extent. We connect to people in new ways through complaining. We are able to be ourselves and be accepted with our flaws and worries and sadness. We no longer have to hide the things that we are scared of. No more "How are you?" "Fine" because we think it is what they want to hear. Maybe they really want to hear that we are crappy because sometimes they feel crappy too. We all feel crappy, right? We just don't want to talk about being crappy with the people who are always complaining about their problems because we don't feel like they are listening. But the people who never talk about their problems, when they open up, we realize that we are not so strange and I think I have gotten to a point where I don't want to keep trying to be strange. I'm strange enough as I am. 

So whatever I do, I am going to start including people because I know my intentions with people are good and that I won't do these things to justify my own pride or vain ambitions. I know I have pride and vain ambitions, but I know they are definitely not the driving forces in my life. 

Summer is coming...I can see myself just driving on a bright, hot day to this song.

New Navy - Breathe (Telepopmusik Remix)

A little bit

I am glad I re-learned this today. I tend to see things that are far away. I tend to look to the end of something or to a point in the distant future. This inevitably takes me out of the present. I then spend a lot of time looking for big things to take me to these big places I see in my mind and find a lot of tension from the friction of effort and natural tendencies. I realize that I can somewhat get to these places that I want to in my mind but I end up sacrificing the natural rhythm of my mind and body. I am now learning that it is better to reach just far enough to make the next step, not far enough to get to the end. Everything I do should be within reach of my mental, physical and emotional capabilities. This will help me to stop wearing myself thin by not living up to my large expectations. It will also help me recognize where I actually am and where to go next.
In the words of Lao-Tzu, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I echo this statement. 

I have recently found that there is a bunch of tracks on YouTube that fall under the category of brainwave entrainment that have sounds which possess some sort of frequency conducive to mind states of well being. That is a confusing sentence but if you click the link, the uploader says a few things in the comments section. This is just one of tons that are out there. All of them have produced some form of relaxation for me, regardless of whether there is science to back up the idea or not. I think it makes sense. Just listen:Binaural Beat Session - A remedy for depression

Wanting

I've realized this a couple times and now I am realizing it again. I decided a while back that if I could not get what I wanted, that I would try not wanting anything so that I would like whatever I got. Well, it seems like a good idea (sort of) but it doesn't really work that way. I guess I simply replaced wanting things like new clothes, a pair of shoes, a new surfboard or wetsuit, a hot girlfriend, etc. with wanting to not want. Eventually I replaced (or added to) wanting to not want with wanting to feel good regardless of what is going on. I don't know, I guess I had been told enough times that I can choose (control?) how I feel that I started to believe that I can do it regardless of the circumstances and that I can do it right now. I don't think we can control how we feel. I don't think we can even choose how to feel. I think feelings are automatic reactions to thoughts, which are products of our past and present. You cannot control what thought comes into your mind. You can't make a thought leave either. Therefore, I believe you can't control how you feel. I do think you can make choices that will help you to accept how you feel and therefore, learn to feel in a way more conducive to how you would like to feel. Ugh, I'm hungry, I'm going to leave it at that.

Lots of Stuff

So I went to Utah this last weekend. I learned a lot more things. I don't think I want to write about all of them. The important things seem to be:
If you use your thoughts to trick yourself into feeling a certain way or keep yourself from feeling a certain way, you will lost touch of reality.
If you have had problems with anxiety or depression for a while, most likely you will have learned to interpret any variation in mood as an indication of the idea that you have a "problem." This means that you are intolerant of any variability in mood (as I somewhat am), which is no way to live life. It is better to recognize a mood change as a sign that you are human and "normal" rather than something that proves there is something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody and there will always be. The sooner we accept this in our lives, the sooner we will be able to find the happiness in life.
Freedom means can't, should, need, have to, etc. phrases are ones to be aware of. True happiness seems to be linked to realizing the many choices we have in life and recognizing the power we have to make a choice and be happy with it. By choosing the wrong thing, we learn. By choosing the right thing, we are happy (and can also learn). It is the choices which seem to be neither explicitly right nor wrong that hold me up and in that circumstance I realize that it is more important to make a choice than it is to wait around to realize what the "best" choice may be. Waiting is important in some circumstances and not very helpful in others. When it comes to thoughts (something with which I am very sensitive to), it is better to make a choice rather than wait.
Balance means there is an opposite to most things (if not everything).
Telling yourself (this can be very subtle and hard to detect) that something is not okay (like feeling a certain way, thinking a certain way, doing a certain thing) can be grounds for anxiety. This is probably more true for people with guilty consciousnesses like mine, who are more likely to blame and criticize themselves than others. My friend Tommy helped me realize that we need to feel the feelings we feel and think the thoughts we think in order to overcome them. If we don't actually let ourselves feel and think those things then they will keep haunting our subconscious. By allowing them to surface, we are able to recognize it, understand it better and know how to more effectively alleviate. I think I have been so ashamed of my thoughts and feelings that now I have to teach myself to "be bad" for a little while in order to see how I am good (and stop worrying that I really am bad because I have these thoughts that I do not acknowledge).
Meditation is good.

Ok that is all. This song is appropriate, they talk about people worrying and saying what if and tell them to just make a decision. Just found this band today.
The Colourist - Wishing Well

New Now

I just realized:

Maybe being in the now is not so much about stopping thoughts about the future or past as it is realizing that all of these thoughts are made in the present. I've always had a hard time with the whole "forgetting the past and not thinking about the future" thing. It just doesn't fit right with me. We need to think about the future in order to create and somewhat prepare for potential scenarios in which we may find ourselves. This is not to say that we necessarily do it right. Some of us (like me) tend to create unrealistic, unaccommodating scenarios that actually serve to bind more than free us. These ideas of the future must be based on our present actions and beliefs and they must be eternal concepts. I say eternal concepts to mean that the only things that we can really visualize accurately are the tendencies we have right now that we want to keep forever (for example: a desire to learn, a desire to accept, an acceptance of the imperfections in ourselves and life, and an acceptance that what we visualize may not happen). I feel like those things need to be the main ingredients in our dreams/visualizations and the rest is left up to the creativity of our imagination.

But I digress.

I think that we need to have a healthy outlook and acceptance of our future and past, and then work to recognize that all visualization, memory, dreaming, flashbacks, etc. happen in the present. This way we will be able to correctly accept our past failures and learn from them in order to move into a more liberal future where we are free to exercise judgment which only comes from experience and learning (all past) to make conscious decisions of our ever-expanding options. I feel that we really want freedom as humans; freedom to choose good things. The more I learn, the more I realize that I have choices and options and a less ignorant and more rational mind with which to make good decisions. It is like the adage "the more you know, the more you realize you don't know." one of my own I would like to derive from this: "the more good choices you consciously make, the more conscious you are to the good choices you are free to make." An important aspect is the consciousness. We make many, many choices we are not really aware of. Many are probably best made unconsciously, but I have seen for myself how, as I become more aware of my inner dialogue and beliefs, the more I see how those things can inhibit me as I continue to believe them and remain unconscious of them. It is all a lot of meta talk. Basically a thought really only has power over us when we believe it (and in turn, act and think based upon this belief), but as soon as we recognize that we believe a thought, and simply watch that thought to see if it is true and what it does, much of its power fades. That's not to say it can't come back, but the more you recognize it, the more aware you will be of it when it rears its ugly head again.

Ugh, I think how tired I am from my two tests this week (just finished one 2 hours ago) is bleeding through in this post. Sleep.

Facebook

I try to understand why I don't want to read (textbooks) or study. I mean, it's learning and learning is fun. I guess it is the idea that a certain amount of information must be conceptualized and remembered. If I could choose what to pay attention to, I would probably do it for fun more. At the same time, you kind of can get into anything you start reading if you get enough visualization and association during your reading. It really can be enjoyable. So why then is the nagging feeling of stopping and going on facebook consistently there? Especially facebook. I stopped myself this time before I logged in to ask "why?" I mean, I really don't often get notifications, I don't really stop to read people's posts, I mostly jump from picture to picture and get hooked on videos. That visual stimulus is an easy thing. No real work is required. Maybe that is why kids prefer movies and videogames over books. Books are difficult to get into if you're not a consistent reader (I am not).

So facebook. Why was I getting on? It was just so I wouldn't have to face my thoughts and feelings really. I simply run and run until I am forced to stop. It would be easier if I were to handle the issues as they surfaced but it seems easier to deny their existence. So facebook is automatic. Looking at news forces me to face the idea that I really don't know what is going on in the world all that well or reminds me that I suck at history (names and dates). When I run through my quick-access database of websites (youtube, yahoo, facebook) and think "man, I really should spend my time on something else," that idea of having to look for another website becomes too burdensome and I automatically divert to facebook. And why facebook? I realized that at least through facebook I feel connected to people in whatever small way it may be. They succeeded! Even though I rarely comment and rarely post, I still feel like I am part of something when I am on it. I just browse and browse and browse, hoping for some sort of way out of my mind. I don't really think I want out of my mind, I just want to avoid processes. I like being somewhere rather than being on my way to somewhere, and life is full of going somewhere so it is hard to learn to be where you are which is always going somewhere. Life is dynamic and always moving and I have for too long been looking for ways to stop things so I can figure it all out. Facebook is an escape into a timeless state where other people do things and you simply observe with no need to internalize, learn, question, or comment but which still provides some form of social connection but without the awkwardness of one who is simply there observing. I guess I like to observe and sometimes it is too hard to do that around people who are trying to talk to you. I want things to be slow so I can figure them out but life is not slow. So when life makes my otherwise slow mind fast (every time), I tend to go somewhere where it can keep being fast without the need to acknowledge the fact.

Wow, I really have gotten deep into my thinking processes. I have learned a lot from meditating lately, much of which have to do with my attachment to thinking and thoughts in general. Also feelings. I am more and more aware of the beliefs which propel my behaviors and shape my feelings. It's a strange thing to become aware of what you are doing. In one moment you are simply obeying a thought that you have come to identify with your life, and in the next moment, for some strange reason, my awareness turns onto the thought, realizing that this code may not even be valid (at least not completely valid).

Ok well I need to get back to studying for my Psychology of Addiction exam which I have in 3 hours.

It's also interesting to become aware of the things that you fear. It's such a delicate process.

Gorillaz has surprised me with their talent...I just assumed they were product of my middle-school taste but they're truly good.
Gorrillaz - Crystalised (the xx cover)

Stop

I'm afraid there is just nothing to stop me. I am afraid that if I don't keep running the same scenarios through my head that maybe I will just purposely fail. Maybe I will just snap. Maybe I'll become one of those stories where everyone is like "I don't know, he seemed like such a normal guy with a normal life. He seemed fine." Maybe I'll do something I'll regret for the rest of my life. Maybe if I don't stop myself from thinking horrible thoughts, maybe I'll actually do something horrible. I feel like I have a very vivid imagination. Like last night on the pier I kept imagining the people walking up to me and stabbing me. And if I start thinking about car crashes and stuff like that while driving, I can start to see all the ways things can go wrong. I feel like I have to stop these thoughts of needing to run away or needing to throw my computer. What is the difference between doing it and thinking about doing it? Isn't it just a few steps from thinking about doing something to actually doing it? And who will stop me from doing it? I'm not really even listing some of the things that worry me. Like I worry when I'm close to the edge of something that I'll just jump. Like, just to see what it is like. Or I would drive my car to the beach sometimes, through the windy canyon roads and just think "there is nothing stopping me from just running this car off the edge," and I would start to imagine what that would be like. Or in class I get urges to yell or scream or say some obscenity or throw something at the teacher. I wonder what it would be like to break things and do things that society finds inappropriate. I don't know if other people have these thoughts and I don't know what to do about them. I think I am really messing myself up by stopping my thoughts all the time and trying to direct them to things I think would be "better" but I don't know what to do about the thoughts I am afraid of.

Where do you look from?

I've been doing it all wrong. I've been looking for all the things that make me feel good as if simply existing is always under attack. I am aware of many things that potentially make me feel good, but I have narrowed my vision down so much and stifled my creativity and imagination. Any time something potentially threatening surfaces, I immediately look to those things that keep me feeling good (they don't really but in my mind they are all I have) and get super anxious because I know they don't really work. So on I go, spending most of my time fighting to feel normal.

It is the opposite. I must spend my time feeling normal and be aware of the things which make me feel bad. This way, I am leaving the future undecided. There is an infinite amount of things which can make me happy. The more aware I am of those things which make me feel bad, the more I will grow to accept, understand and leave them behind.

That's all.

M83 - Intro

Elude

I have spent too much time thinking about socializing and eluding it. I often imagine how amazing it would be and often experience how horrible it can be. Sure, on the surface everyone is having a good time, and people usually come out happy they spent time with me (??) but during the ordeal I am a whole different story. Anxiety breeds anxiety so it doesn't stop once it starts. Instead, it must get to a point of no return and then it is addressed. Until then, I am still in a point of denial. Actually, I don't deny so much anymore. I know it is coming, I just am a deer in headlights. I literally freeze up inside and stop making decisions. I can feel my vision start to narrow, my head fills up more and more and I feel like I'm slowly backing into a corner with some unknown predator slowly stalking me. It happens ever so slowly that I am unable to detect what exactly is triggering, I simply try to keep going but eventually all the added weight slows me down until I stop moving all together. And that's not all that figurative. I literally become somewhat catatonic. My movements are slower and I often stay in one position, staring in one direction. Just let go. I try too hard. I think too much. I hold onto things and try to fix everything. Everything doesn't need to be fixed, but it sure feels like it when every time I try, I feel like I failed. And all these lies people tell you about simply looking for the good...don't believe it. You can't force good thoughts or feelings. If it were that freaken simple I would have been better years ago. That made it worse. It is a good idea; the idea that sometimes we are just looking for the bad, and it is something to be aware of, but forcing yourself to look for the good does no good. Not for me and not for I'm sure a lot of people who experience the same things. So the paradoxes continue. I must try harder to not try as hard, I must learn to solve the problem of trying to solve too many problems, I must let go of letting go, I must stop trying to feel good so I can feel good, and on and on and on. I accept that life is full of paradoxes, I just don't know when the tipping point will be for me. When will I get to a point where I don't have to run away to "fix it?" When will I truly feel like the night was a success, like I truly enjoyed myself? Is that not a point to reach? I put too much pressure on the now. Everything seems to point to "dude, just be in the now," but freak, sometimes you can try to hard to be in the now. Or sometimes you can simply be too much in the now. I feel like there is so much pressure on the now that I am being crushed. I just need to relax and realize that the now is always now. It will always be now. Stupid people telling me to be in the now. No, stupid me for thinking that is the problem. Can you be so good at something that it becomes a handicap? I feel like I am so good at some things that it inhibits me from focusing on and working on other things. Like when the time comes to perform, I have spent so much time analyzing and understanding that I don't know how to do the dance anymore. Who cares? Why understand what everything means? It only depresses. Not true, but how I feel right now. It is depressing thinking that everything, once it is made, will continue to deteriorate until it is trash. It is depressing to think that, while you may be having a good time, that person over there is feeling how you used to feel every day of your life. It is depressing to think that, while I need to be happy for myself for things I do, eventually I will take it too far and start to become prideful because I am scared. I am afraid, so I compare and make sure I am doing it right and I try so hard to get it right that I mess up and I have messed up so much and so often that it is all I can focus on anymore and I don't even know what it is like to feel good about yourself in a healthy way because I am afraid of every prideful thought; that it is simply going to lead to heartache of one kind: my own from realizing how stupid I have been, or that of someone else because of how stupid I have been.

Freak that was a rant. I was really going pretty fast for a bit there. It is easy when you can type as fast as you can think. And by not thinking about typing, I can be pretty proficient at it. Gosh, why did I ever think thinking was good? I have trained myself wrong.

I mean, what really is it that goes on in all of your minds? I just don't get it...what do you think about? Do you think? How do you just go with it?

I believe this calls for a Bon Iver remix.
Bon Iver - Perth (JacM Chillstep Remix)

Attachment

Every time I find something that "fixes" me, I immediately attach to it. Usually that attachment is so secure that I hold to it as reality fades away. Only when I become somewhat delusional do I realize what is going on and try to right what went "wrong." And so the process continues. Attachment. Thinking. I just go and go. Well last night I stumbled across a guy talking about meditation, attachment and thinking in the most rational way I have read in a long time (ever?). I will post a link. Who am I kidding, no one is reading this. Well, at least I do. I go back sometimes to check it out. And maybe someone will.

So there is a lot of resistance to attachment. And effort toward "letting go" often leads to more reasons for attachment. For example, if letting go "works" (I know I use "" a lot but it feels right) then some may immediately and unconsciously attach to letting go. It's crazy and only through on and off practice can we break the cycle while still implementing the idea.

I realize that everything in relevant. Mental freedom is what I truly want and everything that helps me toward that goal is relevant. I often forget everything I "know" for some instant cure that only lasts a few hours. And then I am back to where I started in a sense. But this is the process because there is no other way. I must go through the cycle again and again to continually break it and slow it down and recognize it and get better. But no one thing will "solve" it, mostly because no one thing causes it. And what is "it?" I don't really know, that is just how my mind tries to categorize my problems. It likes to just lump them all into one and attack based on that false idea. That is why my strategies of attacking have often proved so unsuccessful.

I want to write sometime about the idea that nothing is really special. Like, our ability to categorize and label things is somewhat to our demise. Not completely, obviously, but somewhat. I mean, we all have to experience the "bad" and the "good," so why not see it more as "necessary?" Hopefully more on that later.

Here is a link to the page I was talking about earlier: Osho on thinking, how to stop.

And here is another song. I am currently listening to the Radiohead album In Rainbows, so I will post something by them. For a while I was actually thinking it would be cool to do my first dance at my wedding to this song. I like the pensive atmosphere to it.
Radiohead - No Surprises

Inception

Im pissed right now. Usually when I get out of a long bout of anxiety I get pretty mad. All these emotions that are blocked under the facade of anxiety sorta flood to the surface as soon as I find a way to calm down.

Being anxious about something isn't so bad. Having test anxiety or public speaking anxiety are natural and normal. Where I seem to get super caught up is getting anxious about being anxious. When you are anxious so often you forget that there are real reasons that people become anxious. I sorta blended everything into this cocktail of being anxious about being anxious. That doesn't end. It can go on forever because, since there is no conscious reason for the anxiety, there is no escape. And since there is always something potentially anxiety-inducing, there is always the potential of more anxiety.

So I guess what it boils down to is being anxious about being is not so great. It doesn't solve anything. I get stuck in this infinite loop of anxiety because every time I relax, all I have to do is think about being anxious and I get anxious about being anxious. If I can attribute my anxiety to something real, I may not have so much of a problem escaping (that word feels right for me now but it's more about accepting than escaping). When I started becoming consistently anxious, there were real reasons; things I feared and anticipated. After a while it became such a constant feeling that those reasons faded away and I started to believe that I was just always this way for no reason. Or it is my fault.
I'm tired.

I'm back on this post. As I was lying here at my computer I realized that I have been trying for too long to make this life simple. When I was younger I would always hear people say that life is complicated and I never wanted it to be like that for me. I have worked and worked to try and make it simple but instead have made it even more complicated. "How is this?" you may ask. Well I got this image in my head as I was lying there. I realized that life was still complicated whether I was trying to make it less so or not. Therefore, I was making it even more complicated because I was adding false beliefs into the mixture. It is like two trains moving one direction and they are side-by-side. One train is life and the other is me. In my mind, the trains were touching and I was trying to slow down my train but life kept going. All that did was create friction between the two trains, and friction is uncomfortable. So my choice is to continue to try to slow my train down and endure that constant friction, or instead to go with the speed of life and, although I will be tired from always going forward, speeding up, slowing down and refueling, at least I won't have that friction anymore. Then I will learn how to better go with life than against it.

Preparation

Without fail, each time I study I get anxious. It always comes; sooner or later. This time I realized that I will do things (in or outside my mind) to prepare myself for the future. Yes, it is important to prepare for the future, but not too much and I don't it should be done in the way that I do it. I tell myself things like "I can't do that now because what if, in the future, I run into a situation where it isn't like this and I have to do it differently?" It makes much more sense in my mind but that's basically it. 

So what I realized is that I will spend energy right now trying to do things that will prepare me for things in the future when instead, I simply need to always do my best now. Because if I always do my best right now, then I am always doing my best. The now travels with me no matter where I go, no matter what I do. So instead of doing things right now that I think will make me better in the future, I do things right now that make me better right now and always do that. When I spend too much time planning and preparing and thinking about the future, I start to take away from what is going on right now. And if I take away from what is going on right now, the moment right now isn't as good. And when I start to feel like the moment right now isn't that good, I start to look to the future for better moments and plan and prepare for those moments...but those moments never come. All I can do is relax about the future, do whatever planning is necessary, and simply live what is good right now. Because if I am always living what is good right now, I am always living good (I don't like to use my best because can anyone ever really say they did their best? I mean, how do you know you did your best? I like to say I tried to do good or I did good, because there will be a lot of times in my life that I don't do my best, and I don't want to be ashamed or disappointed in myself because of it. I also don't want to lie to myself.)

Just found this per recommendation by YouTube. Pretty chill, pretty good.

Marble Sounds - Good Occasions

Depression

It's a weird thing when it just slides in there. I'm used to fighting with myself and getting anxious, but the depression one always catches me a little off-guard. Both just slowly creep in as I'm going about business, but anxiety I tend to fight so when I eventually do realize what's going on, although I don't exactly know what to do or what it is, I feel like I was actually doing something to cause it and so I don't exactly feel so hopeless. And since I am stimulated from anxiety, usually I just (well, not just) need to do something to calm myself down.

Depression, on the other hand, I never exactly know why it is coming. Things feel natural until I am going to go do something else and I realize that it seems like an abnormally overwhelmingly difficult thing to do. Up until that point I can sense that something is amiss, but it seems like it is just a natural thing and will go away...but it doesn't. Also, it is the opposite of stimulation so it's a little more difficult to bring my emotions up rather than down.
*Wow. I just realized that part of my problems in coming out of anxiety is that I keep trying to go up in mood, when really I need to go down a little. Maybe mood is not the right word but I need to relax and stop trying to be happy because I may have too many chemicals running around up there. Hmmm...more investigation on this is needed.*
So with depression I start asking myself questions like:
-Do I feel like there is nothing good in the future?
-Isn't there something that I am looking forward to?
-Am I thinking about one thing over and over again?
-Am I avoiding thinking about something?
-Is something in the past bothering me?
-What am I willing to do to alleviate this feeling?
It really is a weird feeling. It almost feels normal. At least my anxiety doesn't feel normal. I guess that may be because of the physical symptoms like dry mouth, racing thoughts, headache, accelerated heart beat, etc. Depression is more just (well, not just) a heaviness of my head and increasing difficulty in performing activities.
Some other things I have found helpful in dealing with the feelings of depression are:
-Take a walk
-Meditate (this can be done any way someone wants, I just try to be comfortable and give myself a good amount of time to focus on my thoughts and try to let them go/think less)
-Do some sort of stimulating activity.
-Keep asking myself questions until I figure out what is wrong.
-Look up something online about depression (learn more about it).

I think Conor (the singer of Bright Eyes) has had a good amount of depression and I love the way his songs handle the emotions. I especially love the lyrics at the end of this song where he says "And when I press the keys, it all gets reversed, the sound of loneliness makes me happier."
Bright Eyes - Poison Oak

Empty Space

I think I would take the tired that comes from being so active all day over the exhaustion that comes from sitting all day. The latter feels so lethargic and fattening.

I was thinking on my drive home from class about empty space. I realized when I was walking to my car that I tend to focus on cars a lot. I really like critiquing and admiring their designs but sometimes I get so sick of how automatic it is to look at their features. I just get tractor-beamed into it. I realized that there is so much more to notice around me and proceeded to purposely not look at cars. I then noticed that looking at a tree felt much better for some reason and, after some reflection, attributed that to the lack of analyzing I was doing to the tree. I was simply looking at it. I wasn't saying whether I liked or disliked the features or mentally improving on it. Those things aren't necessarily bad, but I think it does our mind good to take a break. Attaching labels, analyzing and critiquing can be tiresome and all three take a little away from the actual experience of looking at something. You notice a lot more when you just look at something. It's a wonderful thing. In fact, I find it so wonderful that I try to force myself to do it. But you can't really force it, it just happens. When your mind is silent and you stop looking for something, you get a glimpse of what it is like to really see. It sounds so metaphysical but it is true. The ramblings of the enlightened are inspired, though I don't completely agree with their ways. When you actually see...it's like things have color, dimension and attractiveness that you wonder how you could ever miss.

Anyway, as I was driving home thinking about this, I was reminded about one of my ideas of how to silent the mind. I realized you could focus on the things your mind was saying, but you could also focus on the space between your thoughts. I don't know exactly how one does it, but the idea itself makes it slightly possible. Then I started thinking about doing that with what I am actually looking at. Instead of always focusing on the object, we can look at the object but focus on the space all around the object. I wonder what this could do to a mind. Inspire more spontaneity and creativity? Quiet the thoughts a little bit more? I'm going to practice it a little bit and see what it does for me. Already I can say it feels nice. Just another perspective to keep the soul expanding.

I wasn't so crazy about it at first, but the new Passion Pit album is growing on me. This song is my favorite so far.
Passion Pit - Cry like a Ghost

Satisfaction

It's crazy how relaxed and happy I can be sometimes. Like right now. I'm not worried about my presentation in a few hours and not fretting about the debate we have on Wed. I mean, I do worry about them, but the physical manifestations are not present right now.

On the other hand, at work a few hours ago I could just collapse from all the stress. Often I really don't know what exactly I am trying to do, I just know that I am thinking way too much and my field of vision is narrower and my heartrate up I can't do the simple math problems my students had for homework. It's difficult. 

I realized on the drive to CSULB that I have the tendency to do things based on the idea that someday I'll be better. The more I learn, the more I realize that this anxiety and depression, although it does seem to just disappear sometimes, will not just disappear. Therefore, I need to start living life in a way that makes room for it. So instead of just thinking that when I am in a good mood, this is how it is always supposed to be and the anxiety is an abnormality (although it kinda is), I need to figure that when I am relaxed, I am just that and when I am anxious, I am just that. 

Ok, it's not that simple to explain. I guess when you are on the downward spiral of denial and frustration concerning depression and anxiety, you may start to think that there is just something wrong that can be figured out any minute. For me, the worse I got, the more I believed this. The problem was the huge disparity between my good and bad moods. Before, I would float through them like anyone else, not really paying much attention to the bad and always looking forward to the good. But after a few years of increasing depression and anxiety, you wake up and realize that things are bad. Sleeping is difficult and waking up is the worst. I would wake up every morning for a year and just wish I wasn't alive. So naturally, when I would experience an elated mood I would tell myself "Now this is me. That other person isn't me, but this is." That would lead to a disassociation of myself with the naturally-occurring tendencies of disappointment, sadness, anxiety, etc. and I would just simply turn off my emotions all together. 

So after years of living that way, I started to realize that there is no "other life" nor is there a point of time to reach in the future where I am "better." If you think the thought "It will be better in the future," and you always think that thought, then that future will never be now. Right? You are always telling yourself that it is good in the future, not now, so you act, think and live that way. But you can't simply tell yourself that it is good now if it isn't. Lying to yourself makes things worse. So it's a give and take situation. I find recognition of the way you are talking to yourself/thinking is the best antidote, not telling yourself the opposite. Because it is somewhat true that it will be better in the future, but you can't act and think that way. Let me rephrase that. Don't ever tell yourself to not think something. It's unhealthy. If you have a thought, think it. Move past it. Understand it. You don't have to believe it, but you will believe it if you push it away. So simply recognize why you think that way and what things inhibit you from enjoying the present.

So for me today, I realized that when I am anxious I act in a way that I would not act for my whole life. I employ means to "solve" the situation that I don't want to have to do for my life, so I live in a way that denies the rest of my life. For example, if I feel anxiety talking to someone and avoid doing so, I would tell myself that I will talk to them when I don't feel this way anymore. Wrong. The feeling won't just go away. So I need to instead say, "Right now I don't feel like talking to them. Sometimes in life you just don't feel like talking to people. I can choose to talk to them and maybe it will be different or I can choose another time to do so." It may not seem that different but it is in my mind. 

Let me see if I can make it more clear. I act differently when I am alone than when I am around people, and neither of those ways are how I want to be for the rest of my life. So I am thinking, acting and planning in a way that says "Things will be better in the future. Then I will live my life." I internalize that message and act that way in all situations. This brings me more stress and anxiety because I am taking myself out of the present and I am not dealing with the present situation in a way that says "this is a step in my life." 

I hope this wasn't too confusing, I want to type and type and type until I believe there is no room for misunderstanding but I guess it is up to each individual to look inside themselves and listen to what their voice is saying to them. 

Two keys: awareness and acceptance. Don't try to force it. It needs to feel easy and natural if you want it to be easy and natural. That doesn't always mean things will be easy and natural; it's give and take.

Speaking of sleep:

Bombay Bicycle Club - How can you swallow so much sleep

Learning

I love learning, but I have a really hard time with school work. Like, a really hard time. Part of the problem is that depression and anxiety make it really hard to concentrate and retain information. The natural occurrences in the brain during these states produces chemicals and activity in areas that make it difficult to do so. So that's one problem.

The other problem is the same one everyone runs into: I just don't want to. But that is a big problem full of lots of reasons. I had a really difficult time in elementary, middle and high school. I got good grades for the most part, but I just remember having a really hard time getting them. Maybe that's the way it is for everyone. So every time I sit down to do work, those memories and feelings flood back into my system and I think, oh boy, here we go again. But why do I feel that way? Well learning is great when I am not being forced to do it. I hate the feeling I get when I feel like I have to or should do something. So I'm trying to look at it instead: I choose to study and do this work because I want to learn, be successful and get good grades. Then another problem arises...what the heck does the teacher want? I obsess over this too much because I have been conditioned to go to school for good grades, like much of the rest of America's population. Well I am going to take more liberty in my studies and try to do it the way I want to, rather than the way I think my teacher wants. It will help me to enjoy it better and expand my personality and creativity. Obviously I'll still read the instructions and meet the requirements, but I will try to do so with more personalization.

My last point has to do with the previous post. I tend to think big and jump to the end. I take too many ideas and try to work on too many things at once. I need to slow down and focus on the exact words I am reading and the current idea I have rather than think about the whole paper that needs to get done. That brings on too much stress. Just put one foot in front of the other, knowing that eventually you will reach where you are trying to go. So think smaller, work tighter. Don't let loose ends flop all over the place; make one hit at a time to knock it down.

Ok, now I actually have to put these things to work, which is a whole 'nother discipline.

Sunday relaxation/reflection music:
Paul Cardall - Gracie's Theme

Big stuff

My mind automatically jumps to the end. I haven't even started and my mind is at the finish line. It's bad. I forget to take the first step and wonder how I will ever finish. I focus so hard on where the end is that I neglect the road under my feet. All this is figurative. It is worst with homework. As soon as I think about doing it, I get overwhelmed with the thought of all I have to do to finish. It's a real problem because it happens every time and I don't even realize it. All I really know is I can't do it. So automatically I figure something irreparable is wrong with me and I have to fight and fight to get over it. Really all I have to do is realize how I am thinking and try to focus on the next, immediate step instead of the end result. Like this stupid paper. I keep thinking about what the teacher may want and the presentation I am going to have to do and I forget to learn the material so I go over it again and again and nothing really sinks in. I can't remember anything I read and therefore, the work only gets harder, which reaffirms my belief that I just can't do it. FREAK.

Another one of Ben Cooper's bands. Guy is some kind of special.
Radical Face - Glory

Expectations

Expectations is a pretty crappy concept. As a deeply anxious person, I am always hoping things will be different this time; that there will be more good than bad. The problem is, it is only that way when I don't expect it to be that way. Then after that experience I am filled with optimism and I expect things to be better....and it's "bad" again. Freak, what a roller coaster. Bottom line, stop trying to be better.

HAIM - Don't Save Me

The Thoughts

I think anyone who is telling someone to stop thinking (or even stop thinking so much) is undermining their feelings. There is a reason people think the way they do and to say "stop it" means that what they think (and, consequently, what they feel) is not important. And if what someone thinks and feels isn't important, then what is? What makes a person an individual (unique) and important (of worth)? If all we are are thinking machines made to run around trying to stop thinking, tell me what our purpose is. I feel sorry for anyone that does not believe in some sort of deity. Maybe later in the blog I'll get more into my beliefs.

So it's still balance. Thinking is important, otherwise we wouldn't have it. But it can be misused. Remember back when people thought you could just remove part of the brain if people were having bad seizures? Yeah, not a good idea. Or isn't there a body part that people used to just take out because it was thought it wasn't needed until people who got it removed started having problems? I tried doing a search to find out exactly what that was but it's a hard thing to google. Anyways, I don't think there are that many things that we have (regardless of belief in evolution or deity) that we do not need.

Anyway, that was definitely a rant. I guess I have been kinda pissed about all the people and "transcendents" who keep telling me to stop thinking. Or even stop thinking so much. There are reasons why I think so much and until I get answers that satisfy (even if they are not the direct answers I am looking for), I can't simply suppress these thoughts and expect to be happy. I mean, these aren't just inconsequential thoughts about what yogurt is made of, this is some deep stuff. I know I will always have questions, and that is an answer in itself. It just comes with being human and I have to keep telling myself that I have to play by life's rules. But if something gets suppressed that really bugs me, then everything related to that thought is affected. So I start to suppress a lot of crap. And if that crap is related to more crap then I have to suppress that crap too. So stop telling me to stop thinking so much.

Instead say something like "Hey, I see you think a lot, you must ask a lot of inquisitive questions that are of value. Just remember that you may not ever get all the answers, and trying harder and harder to get answers may just stress you out. So try to relax and let the answers come when they do. Sometimes it feels better to simply not think. Thinking is not everything."

I think Conor thinks a lot.
Bright Eyes - I Believe in Symmetry

Answers

I think when anyone professes that their answer applies to everything in life, we have a problem. Eckhart Tolle is great but his answer doesn't apply to everything in life. That would mean he found the answer, and there is no answer. There is no answer to life. Everyone has input and there is truth in pretty much everything in life, but I think really the only true answer is balance. And that doesn't really tell anybody much (yet it also says a lot). Enlightenment means that you've reached it...but how can anybody reach a point of not needing to go any further? Knowledge is unlimited, so to say we have reached enlightenment takes away from the mysteries of the universe, and we are simply telling any other knowledge and truth out there that "we have enough, we don't need any more." Tolle has great points, but his truth doesn't take away from truth I have already found in my life. Sure, sometimes we think too much, but never thinking is not the answer because I have had some pretty transcendent moments in thought, and regardless of what that does for my "ego," I know the moment itself was inherently good.

Deprive

I knowingly deprive myself of happiness and things that I want. I am still trying to understand why but I think I have this problem with believing that, if other people don't or can't have it, I shouldn't either. I don't know what that means and I think I take pride in that fact. Like, I must believe that I am good because I deprive myself of good things. Or maybe I think I am tough because I force myself to encounter hard or difficult things. It's wack and hopefully I change my attitude.

Later: I guess at times I think, "He/she has that (usually not a temporal thing like money or objects, but more like optimism, humor, friends, a good memory, etc.) why can't I?" But then I see someone else and think "Well, they don't have it, why should I?" I've probably thought that so much that I believe that I should not have good things because other people don't. And I probably took it a step further and thought, "I should deprive myself of some good things because other people can't have them or won't or don't." I know, it's stupid. We all have our own strengths, trials and journey but I can't help but think that if I am happy, there is someone else out there who isn't, and that makes me sad.

Tolle

Eckhart Tolle is blowing my mind right now. I sort of started my journey for (understanding?) peace with him...oh...4 years ago, and now I really hope I'm sort of ending that journey* with him. That is somewhat how much of my progress has gone: very circular. I often end up where I had already been. Now I believe my desire for peace/understanding/whatever-it-should-be-called is founded on much better ground and I may understand his message better this time. I have been soooo attached to my thoughts. I have been obsessed with them, thinking they are all I really have. Turns out I don't really have them, according to Tolle...

This one is sort of abstract if you are not familiar with his talks
Eckhart Tolle - Don't take your thoughts too seriously

Layout

It sucks that blogs work by recent first. But it is good too. I just don't want people stumbling across my blog and thinking great, another whiner. Another person rambling on about how bad their life is. But I guess I am right? Well then. I don't think it will stay this way. This is more of a catalog of my transition (I hope). I want to start writing about exciting things happening in my life and hopefully find a way to contribute to this world through my perspective. I mean, eventually I will be professionally be helping people with their problems. Maybe it is a good idea to get my crap in order first? At least organized.

I think Bon Iver is great for remixes.
Bon Iver - Holocene (Subset Remix)

Called

So what do I do now? I haven't talked to my friend in a few months and she called me. I didn't answer. I could already feel what talking to her would be like. Can it be much different than it has been in the past? Anyone I asked would tell me to pick it up but it's a little different when you actually have to do the talking. What do I say? Anything I want to say would seem inappropriate. No one wants to bring anyone else down. People call to hear good news right? That's what they seem to expect. That's all they share. So I don't want to show anyone that their happiness kills a little part of me. What a selfish way to live. Be happy for someone and their fortune. When my immediate reaction to someone else's happiness is sadness, worry or intimidation, more sadness is usually not far behind. Then I tell myself "do I really have to go through this? Is this necessary?" I guess so because I seem to have no other options right now. I mean, I think I'm trying my best.

I just listened to the message. It makes me mad that someone misses me. How could they enjoy being around me when I don't? I just don't get it. What do they see? What am I missing? I feel fake. I want to force myself to be happy to hear from them because it seems like that is the way it is supposed to be but instead I feel like one of us is lying. And I am sick of being wrong.

I just need to tell myself that feelings change. I get this idea in my head that if I feel something for just a little bit, it must be true. Or it must be inescapable. Neither are absolute. Things change a lot. Hourly, daily, monthly, yearly. Things are changing.

Force

I can't force change or desire. I have all these ideas and all this knowledge of how I can make myself happier (according to other people) but I continually realize that I can't rush the process. I forget to slow down, I forget to just allow things to be and what that means, and when I remember that I have forgotten, I try to beat the idea over my head again and again so that I won't forget again because I feel miserable when I forget. Everything is backward sometimes. Sometimes in order to get better I need to stop trying so hard to get better. Life isn't about getting better. Actually it is. But when do I start living? How can I keep trying to do better but be happy with what I am? I feel like I learned a lot of things in the wrong order.

I have to learn to just let myself suck sometimes. Otherwise I really will suck. I don't know what that means but I'm trying too hard to be good. Why can't I just be good? All these Buddhist experts say that good is naturally inside all of us, we just need to learn to let it out. Is that really true? How does anyone know if that is true? I'm afraid to stop trying. Maybe I'll never amount to anything if I stop. Maybe I'll become all those things that people say "don't do that, don't be this." Maybe if I don't try to remember everything that's important I won't remember anything important. Or I won't be anything important.

When will I get there? Everyone says never if I keep thinking that way but it is pretty obvious to me that I'm unhappy now. So I need to learn to be happy now. Right? Yet another thing to remember to do. Yet I know the only way to learn is to keep forgetting and keep remembering but when will it be enough? Never. It will never be enough because I will never stop learning. I guess we just keep going because any other option is stupid.

The perfect song for this feeling. I don't really believe it's an ugly life but I think it's important to remember that everyone, regardless of circumstances in life, feels this way sometimes. Ben Cooper is a great songwriter.
Electric President - It's an ugly life

Person

So something I did when I decided that I didn't want to feel lame emotions anymore was fabricate this representation of who I decided I was going to be. I guess I went around and paid particular attention to people who I felt had admirable qualities and started adding my own (perfect?) version of those qualities to make up this "me" who I was going to be. Then I took inventory of all the times that I behaved, thought and felt like how this "me" should behave/think/feel and sorta tacked it on there as a quality of this person. And then somewhere down the line I told myself so many times that this is who I wanted to be that I started thinking that this really was me and that all I had to do was figure out what was wrong with the current me as to inhibit me from being this other "me."

Wow. It makes a lot of sense now. Showers are great places to learn things. But actually I was thinking about this after my shower. Actually I have realized a lot of these things for a while, it just makes a lot more sense now. Writing it down has made it real.

Needless to say, this is not a good way to live life. I guess that is why I have been so anxious and depressed for the past few years. I have always been comparing myself to this perfect "me." Every time I am about to enter a situation I get anxious thinking of how I am going to fail at being this person and after every situation I get depressed not knowing what is wrong with me. The problem is...I still have problems. Learning key information like this doesn't change that. And I have developed so many hazardous ways of thinking that it is really easy to slip back into my previous ways and not even know it. But, bit by bit.

Racquetball

Cottage cheese is weird. I mean, it says curd on the lid.

I have played my father racquetball at 1pm every day this week except Wed cuz he was too sore. There are some life lessons to be learned from sports. I realized that you can want it more and try harder but neither of those things will make your game better. They usually end up making your game worse. Or at least they make it less enjoyable. For the most part, the less I cared, the better I played. But that's not a straight road. It takes swinging from side to side and realizing where I'm off balance to get to the middle. And when I get there is usually when it becomes more confusing. Because I want so badly to be in "the zone" (or in flow, as most professionals put it), when I get there I seem to hold on like it's the only thing that matters in life. It feels so good that I squeeze until I kill it. That's not how life works. Well, that is how life works but we don't intend for it to work that way.

After a long struggle of trying to stop caring so much so that I can have fun, when I get there I sort of have to start caring again so I don't go too far into not caring. It may not be that complicated for other people, they may have a more natural tendency to stay in a good area in their personal spectrum, but I know that for others it is a constant struggle. Once something works, it stops working. That's not true for everything but for feelings and thoughts I have found it more true than not.

Capital Cities does this amazing cover of the song Sinead O'Connor sung but I guess Prince wrote.

Capital Cities - Nothing Compares

Away

Man, I can't get away from this thing. I guess just the idea that someone will read it and understand me is freeing. I guess it takes the burden of explaining myself in the future off slightly. That maybe when I finally start to date someone I can just direct them to my footnote. Like "here's Bret* (see footnote)." It's been a daunting task to think that I will eventually have to share the parts of me I am ashamed of. Not necessarily bad things really, but nevertheless I am ashamed.

I truly forget how withdrawn I've become until I'm compelled to hang out with an old friend. I mean, I want to hang out with them but it's not that simple. It's more that I want to want to hang out with them (inception). The fact is that my body and mind change when I am around people. I guess years ago I realized the only real point of life is to get close to people and learn to live together. I loved people when I was in high school. I couldn't stay in one place with one group of friends, I was always bouncing around. My first year at University of Arizona I was able to keep it up a little but I definitely lost some steam. Then it caught up with me and I stopped trying to make myself hang out with people. I think before I was just running away from myself. I didn't understand how someone could stand to spend time alone. I always had to be around people. Now I avoid people. I'm slightly OK with it, it's definitely painful, especially when people seem to really want to hang out with me. How do I say no? I really want to but I can't. Literally can't. Like my brain starts to shut down when I do. I start to forget simple things and become immobile inside. I've spent so much time imagining how I want to live my life around people that when I finally am in the situation, it ends up being nothing like what I hoped (I blame myself) and I slowly start to shut down.

We say the things that are on our minds right? When we are around people? I mean, not everything obviously, but the things that come to our minds become the things that we say. I can't do that because I have connected being around people with so many conflicting and difficult ideas in my head. So I have to fight to have thoughts I would consider "normal" in a social situation. And the fighting inevitably drains me of energy. Then that situation becomes another one to chalk up to, in my head, as one of my many failures. "Why can't you just talk to people like everyone else? It's so easy if you just relax and stop worrying about yourself. What the heck is wrong with you? Everyone is going to notice that you are screwed up." I don't want any pity here, but this is the way it is. I know everyone has thoughts like this but either I am super weak or it's a little more intense for me (us). Because I can tell the difference. I know both sides of myself. I have seen when it is ridiculously easy and when it's obsessively hard.

Freak I have a lot to say. I need to relax. I know I would not be able to read all this stuff I've written but maybe it'll help someone in the future. And maybe not. Maybe it'll only help me and I guess that is good enough.

Lyrics

Do you ever love a song, like a lot, and finally decide to look up the lyrics and realize you love the song more than you thought you ever could? Maybe that's what having kids will be like. But that is what happened a few moments ago with Folds in your Hands by Passion Pit. It's been my favorite song for the past month (I know it's old but sometimes I bloom late) annnnd now it may have gone up even more in rank.

Passion Pit - Folds in your Hands

Reminder

I get this weird feeling in my mouth sometime that really bugs me. I mean, really bugs. Obviously no big deal, right? But it messes with me. It can turn a good situation into a bad one. I was doing my meditation thing last night where I don't really meditate but I let myself think about whatever I need to think about and this feeling came again. Usually it comes when I'm feeling a little self-conscious. And I was like hello? what do you think you are doing? So I attacked. I gave myself a good 6 min to only focus on that feeling.

I realized that the feeling itself isn't bad, I just think it is. Well, duh. And any time it comes, I end up devoting all my attention to it because I find it such a threat. That attention comes in the form of fighting it, trying to force myself to accept it, trying to distract myself; things that give it more energy because I am trying to make it go away. Well, we know that you can't make thoughts go away. Any effort to make a thought go away becomes fuel for the fire. So I started to look into what thoughts I associate with this feeling. Then I started to describe the feeling to myself and I came up with mini marshmallows in my lips. SOOOO this morning when I wake up and get the feeling? Marshmallows is the first thing that pops in my mind. Suddenly the feeling isn't so frightening anymore. I mean, it's not the Stay Puffed marshmallow man from Ghost Busters. Instead, I think of marshmallow guns and s'mores and chemicals and how it turns to black tar if you microwave it for too long.

I bought this CD last night. Beautiful music.
Sin Fang - Look at the Light

Thinking

"I just think too much." Everyone says that. But it sucks trying to solve thinking too much by thinking about it. I have had therapists, 6 of them. Sort of. a couple were psychiatrists and others I didn't really see that much of. But I have attempted many times. None of them really listened. That is how I will be different. I guess I am ashamed to say that I want to be a psychologist because I have problems. We all have problems. Hopefully my experiences with depression, self-loathing, thoughts of suicide, debilitating anxiety, repression and avoidance will help me to connect with people as a therapist. I never felt like I connected with my therapists. One, yes, but I only met with him once and it cost almost $300. Try to justify that when everyone around me doesn't notice anything is wrong. I thought many times about just doing something crazy so someone would notice. Maybe then they would take me seriously. But, alas, I was too much of a coward to do something that would give me that attention. I say that in a very negative way but that was how I felt about it. I felt that maybe if I was just a little less self-conscious that I could do something noteworthy but I am too guilty of a person to do anything that would cause others to have to adjust their schedules and attend to me. I have a hard time spending my parent's money on therapy.

Example of my guilt:
My friend Tommy and I were a little crazy in high school. Just really excitable and loved doing things that weren't necessarily illegal but also weren't considered normal. Nothing too crazy. But a few years out of high school we met up again (he from Colorado, me still at home) and took a little trip to 7-11 for some energy drinks. Since the time I started feeling like something was wrong with me I also stopped feeling the effects of caffeine and other mild stimulants. Well I didn't want that to show, so I tried putting a little more effort into my energy by chest-bumping a sign after we bolted outside and started running to who knows where. No big deal except this sign was about 6 feet tall. So pretty much I clothes-lined myself. Hit my head straight on the corner of the curb and was out cold, bleeding all over the parking lot (so I was told). Tommy called my house, no answer. Called 911, no one answered. Called my house, still no answer but I guess my parents picked it up as he was leaving a message and somehow got the clue that I needed to be picked up. The next thing I remember is being in my dad's truck and dropping Tommy off at my house to go to the ER. No. Next was the ER but I don't think we stayed long because my gash wasn't too bad so we dropped Tommy off and took me to the Woodland Hills Kaiser at 1AM. So the purpose of this story: I don't remember much until we got to Kaiser but I do remember saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Apparently my dad had told me many times to stop saying it but I just kept on going. I do remember feeling really guilty for doing such a stupid thing to myself and causing my parents to drive me around so I could get a few staples in my thick skull. I mean, I was 21. Chest bump a handicapped sign? Really? So yeah, I'm a guilty person I guess. No, I know (I'm trying to be more confident).

Earlier tonight I found an amazing song for me. Like one of those songs that feels like it fits into your life (lots of italics). Again, courtesy of majestic.
Daughter - Youth (Alle Farben remix)

Answers

I always seem to get answers when I don't want them. Like I literally feel myself learning something and I'm like STOP, I don't want you NOW, I needed you EARLIER you stupid answer!

In short, when I was younger I felt a lot. Like, I was a softie. Well I'm probably still a softie except I have buried it all; all my feelings under this idea that I can be something without them. Well I guess I am that. I don't really feel. I have taught myself to not feel because I guess that is what I wanted back then. I guess I got fed up with feeling pride, jealousy, envy, disappointment, rejection and whatever else so I decided that I didn't want to feel anymore. So steadily, I have done just that. I have stopped feeling. Even when I am depressed, it's not this I'm-going-to-cry-my-life-sucks-so-bad sadness. It's more of this dull, nothing-is-ever-going-to-be-good feeling. I guess I figured that if I felt a bit of pride that I was too prideful or if I felt jealous just a tad that I was a jealous person or whatever so every time I felt something like that I would quickly shut down my prefrontal cortex and stifle the thought. I've done it so much and so often that all I really ever feel is anxiety or depression. Either I am stimulated (anxious) or not (depressed).

So now I need to learn to allow myself to feel. I need to feel jealous or intimidated or envious and realize that, like a bad habit, I need to learn to love myself WITH those feelings and accept that I have those things as a result of being part of the human race and the only way to get better is to experience it, not deny it. Blah blah blah blah. Trying to be too good is a bad thing. It really is.

I just spent 5 min trying to decipher the definition of irony to see if it applies to the connection of this song to this post. I'm still not sure if it does.
Kate Nash - Merry happy

Black Hole

The scary thing about depression is the black hole of sadness. Before, it was hard to stay in a bad mood for too long. Even if I wanted to. Now, the harder I try to be in a good mood, the worse I feel. No matter how good it looks on paper, sometimes I feel like my insides are rotting. And the scariest part of all is the idea that it won't "just get better." I have been this way for years and I'm not just going to wake up and be optimistic. No matter how hard I try, because believe me when I say I try. Sometimes I think trying makes things worse. Actually I know trying can make things worse.

Another scary idea: sometimes I feel better when I just give up. Like, I literally become happy when I say "to hell with it all" and mentally give up. So I'm like, how does that work (but I'm much more angry when I say it)? How do you reconcile something like that? I try too hard. Simple fact but the most difficult thing for me to learn. Dear depression, I hate you.

Let me put it this way: I can bet on, no matter how good things seem, it will get bad. I try to make it opposite; that no matter how bad things get, it will get better, but the bad outweighs the good so I'm lying to myself when I say that. And lying to myself also makes me unhappy.

I, me, myself

I was trying to do some studying and had to stop. Often I do. I have had such trouble learning how to learn. It's hard to explain but the past few years it has been more than simply procrastination. Because with depression and anxiety comes a reduction in stimulation of the prefrontal cortex, which is primarily responsible for things like planning, problem solving, and abstract reasoning; things which apparently are pretty important in learning and understanding. Also, I have read many things about depression/anxiety victims and how some of the symptoms include inability to remember things and difficulty concentrating. Sure, everyone does have difficulty with these things, but I can tell within myself the difference. If you've never been to Antarctica, you can't possibly understand how cold it is. People who haven't experienced chronic depression/anxiety have difficulty understanding.

ANYWAY

The reason I bring all of this up is because when I find things becoming cloudy and sense certain activation in my mind that means I'm starting to lose it, I have to take a break, which usually turns into desk/table-nap position. It is easier to see my thoughts that way.

Ok so all this leads to a theme I continually come across. The "I's" and "me's" and "my's." I realize that worry and fear often turn my thoughts inward. So we all talk to ourselves in a certain way, right? I mean, I only know my own mind. But I realized that sometimes my focus turns more onto the "I" of "I am thinking about..." rather than what I am actually thinking about.

For example: "I don't want to study." It is possible to focus on the person who doesn't want to study, or the actual feeling of not wanting to study. In the first scenario, there is no real solution to the problem. The thought is on I, and I don't think we can directly change the self. I think we can change our habits and actions and thoughts to reflect circumstances we visualize will be realistic and what we want. So if we focus on the second part (not wanting to study), we find that there are solutions to this problem.

So, we can focus on ourselves within each thought and continue to add to our negative self-talk about how we aren't good enough, happy enough, hard working, etc., or we can focus on idea of not wanting to study and survey the possible ideas and actions which will help us to study.

Ok one more idea for topic. I am obsessed with making myself a better person. I think this has added to my anxiety and depression over the years and finally I am seeing the real way to go about this. BUT. This mentality has led me to focus on myself (I think) maybe a little more than other people. Not a good thing. So whenever I am presented with a situation or thought where I know I have encountered something that will help me with that (for example, comparing myself to other people), I often start to worry about myself and forget to focus on the actual items of interest.

Gosh this is harder to get out than I anticipated. I will leave it at that for now.
And now, another song by Majestic. Actually it's majestic (no capital).
A remix of a popular song, it's great.

Of Monsters & Men - Little Talks (The Knocks remix)
*This song is pretty appropriate for anyone who has struggled with their complicated brain (everyone?).

Now

I realized it is better to write about current thoughts. I started to write about something I was thinking about while running earlier today and really it didn't feel right so I just dropped it. That is a much better way to live.

Wow. The song I am listening to just said "so if you think you're special...you're probably not." I love that. The song is Why Even Try (RAC remix) by Theophilus London. It's part of Majestic, who I think is a group or person who finds sweet music. They do a lot of remixes and have awesome pictures to accompany the music. 

Anyways, it's true. No one is special. I told myself a few months ago that I am not special but I am unique. I feel like that is a much safer way to think. No comparing or thinking you are better than someone else. 

Ok my head hurts. I'm going to go out and check on my surfboards that I am repairing...and yes, I did only say that to show off that I know how to repair a surfboard. And inform those who do not know that I am a surfer. Cool, right? So unique.

Theophilus London - Why Even Try (RAC remix)

Skip this post. Boring introduction.

Hmmm...I am just barely starting and I'm already over it.

I guess everyone is entitled space for their voice. Sometimes I feel like I have been quiet for too long. I can't say I deserve any "subscribers," but later I will at least be able to say I said something. See what I did there? Oh my gosh, for once you can actually SEE what I did there.

The purpose of this blog is selfish. Actually everyone hopes that their story has something that can help other people. My mom keeps talking about the book I will write and I'm sure I will because most likely a PhD in Psychology will require something like that.

But the purpose of this blog is for me to start talking more. There's too much thinking in this small brain and not enough spewing.

I'm not even sure I will share this with anyone, I've started a Google+ (what does that mean) account and skipped adding friends but I will continue to write like this just in case I grow some courage*.

Wow I have read what I wrote and I have to say this is boring. So I warned you in the title.
Now for something exciting. A good band: Wildcat! Wildcat! I am listening to them on SoundCloud right now. Very inspirational. A funky mix of empty-hall, bright sounding keys and simple, soft dance beats. Music is always exciting.

PURPOSE

Ok, the reason I am writing is to help me deal with depression and anxiety. Whew, tore that band-aid off. I must say, even to an empty audience that is an unnerving thing to say. Got some juices flowing. I guess in my mind it is something to be ashamed of; something to hide. Well that is how I have acted the past few years anyway. There are those cheesy sayings like "Depression is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you have been strong for too long," but that's just filling in my pillow. I don't know what I mean by that but it makes sense.

I must say, simply the idea of sharing this with people is liberating. In this age where we spend a lot of time alone, the main culprit (this computer) provides some of its own antidote. Wow, getting clever there, watch out! I hope this isn't trying too hard. I guess focusing on not trying too hard is trying too hard so I better stop before I start. Woah.

So, my next post, if this isn't another fickle attempt at "curing" myself, will be [hopefully] (yes I meant to use brackets) a brief and unboring synopsis of my depression and anxiety.

And within this blog I hope to share music because I love music. And movies. And Calvin and Hobbes quotes. It gives me incentive to indulge.

Wildcat! Wildcat! - Mr. Quiche